How to Stop Letting Other People Upset You
It happens to the best of us. We find ourselves completely undone by someone else’s behavior. It could be anything from someone cutting you off in traffic to your spouse cheating on you. Mild to severe, other people’s actions can turn our world upside down.
I recently let myself get all caught up in someone else’s drama. My boyfriend’s daughter was behaving in some ways I found unacceptable. He was trying to rein her in; she was acting out more and more; we all went to counseling (I can’t tell you how many arguments, sleepless nights, and general fury on my part all this caused). Suddenly, she decided to move in with her mother. As soon as she moved, poof – there was peace on earth. No more drama, angst, or fury. Is she still doing all the stuff we had problems with? I’m sure. But now it’s not my issue. And you know what? It never was.
Most of the things that you get upset about aren’t your issues. The driver who cut you off? Their driving is not your issue. All you need to worry about is getting safely to your destination. That lazy co-worker who isn’t doing their share of the work? Not your issue. All you need to do is focus on your own good work. Your cheating spouse? Not your issue. Your issue is why you would stay with someone who is cheating on you.
Some tips to help with this:
1. Realize you cannot control other people. They are going to do the crazy, stupid, incorrect things they are going to do. You can’t force them to do anything else. You can’t force someone to stop being lazy or lying to you or cheating on you. The only person you can control is you. You get to decide how much you’re going to let this person’s behavior impact you. Your worrying, obsessing, venting, etc. has zero impact on them – and only hurts you.
2. You have three choices – change your thinking, change your behavior, or do nothing. My boyfriend is not a planner – it’s just not his way. This used to drive me completely insane. I would constantly argue the importance of planning – that if you failed to plan, you planned to fail. I was quick to point out occasions where his lack of planning cost him (I’m such a charmer!). He finally told me that if I liked planning so much, I could just plan everything and he would gladly go along. I finally accepted that I was never going to change him. I can either live with no plan (changing how I think about planning), make the plan myself (changing my behavior), find a new boyfriend (also changing my behavior) or just keep complaining about it. But I’ll never make him a planner.
3. Examine your role in the behavior. Did the driver ahead of you cut you off because you just started talking on your cell and slowed 20 MPH? Did your teenager lie to you because the last time he told you the truth he was grounded? Is your spouse cheating because you are on the road 358 days a year? I’m not condoning any of the behaviors – I’m just asking you to look at the only person you can control – you. Maybe you are playing a role and not even realizing it.
4. But realize it may have absolutely nothing to do with you. I hate to say it, but this is more often the case. We are all the center of our own universes. Many times we think people are doing things because of us or to us and they aren’t. The driver may not have even seen you. Your teenager may lie just because he doesn’t want to be embarrassed. Your spouse may be cheating for the thrill of it and still loves you (although they have a crummy way of showing it).
5. Don’t inadvertently enable the behavior. Some people engage in their crazy behavior because the people around them encourage it. If your spouse cheats on you, and you take them back and treat them better than before, can you blame them if they cheat again? If your friend “borrows” money from you, and never repays it and you lend them more, can you blame them if they never repay that loan either? I love Maya Angelou’s advice, “The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them.” I know you don’t think you’re enabling, you think you’re helping. You think they will behave differently this time, that perhaps your love or kindness will change them. I say to you – why are you trying to control them still? Trying to change someone is trying to control them.
6. Let it go. Think of whoever drives you crazy right now. Get worked up – think of how they lie to you or how they don’t do their share or how selfish they are – whatever it is they are doing that drives you crazy. Assume they will never change. Ever. Can you just let it go? Is it really a minor thing you’ve been focusing on, making it major? In the big scheme of things, my boyfriend’s nonplanning is just not that big a deal. It’s offset by his kindness, patience, and wonderful good humor. Can you focus on the good more than the bad?
7. Let them go. Some behavior you just can’t let go of. Sometimes there’s not enough good to offset the bad. The best thing to do may be to let go of the relationship. Why are you staying with someone who causes you so much upset and pain? If you can’t let go of the relationship (say it’s a co-worker), can you let go of thinking so much about them? I bet they aren’t spending so much time thinking about you.
8. Get help. Can’t let it go or them? Talk with a professional counselor – life is too short for all this drama.
9. What about kids? Obviously when kids are little, you have to control them. They might think running into traffic is a good idea and you should probably put a stop to that. But as they get older, you’ll find that you need to alter your behavior to impact theirs. Maybe they start to dress inappropriately. You have several options – you can check out current fashion before you freak; you can yell and tell them they’re not going out like that (giving credibility to their attempt at rebellion); you can cut off the clothing allowance (controlling your behavior not theirs); or you can ignore it, knowing that sooner or later they will be embarrassed just like the rest of us and will fall in line. And if you are sharing clothing with your children, know that the rest of us are trying to let it go.
The bottom line is that you can’t let the behavior of others steal your joy. But if you do, it’s your choice. Focus on being the best and happiest that you can be – that’s where your energy should go. Set the best example you can and spend time and energy on people who lift you higher. And remember, somewhere there’s someone out there who thinks YOU need to change! Ha!
I am afraid I obsess with people, I think because of my upbringing. I need to stop, get some confidence and think about myself. My brother got with my best friend and, knowing that I wasn’t impressed, they lied to me for 6 years about it. I didn’t like it a) because he is 15 years younger than my friend and myself and she knew him as a kid and he fancied her when he was 10. 2) The main reason is because my family have gaslighted me all my life and I didn’t want her involved. All our family… Read more »
I took to heart what u’ve said….and I will write them down, study them and try my best to apply them… I REALLY struggle and don’t like who I am when I am with my husband….We have 2 beautiful boys…3 & 8….and he is a wonderful father….(the father he never had) however, not so good a husband. We’ve been together almost 12yrs….and perhaps happy 6months of those yrs. We’re not friends, never laugh… I have many friends, love my work and I am happy, just not fulfilled in my marriage…. I don’t know what rlto do anymore…I’ve left several times,… Read more »
Oh Natascha! It sounds like you are stuck, stuck, stuck! It’s pretty clear that you are miserable. If you’re not even friends with your husband and you never laugh, well…I don’t understand why you stay. It’s been 12 years and you are expecting him to change. I’m pretty sure after 12 years, this is who he is. I think it would really be worth talking through this with a professional therapist. Not letting someone upset you is one thing; staying with someone you’re not even friends with is a completely different matter. If you don’t like who you are when… Read more »
I think in my situation that the reason I get mad at people who upset me is that they violate my own beliefs and rules (I wouldn’t do it to them so why do that think they get to do that to me?) For example, if I wouldn’t go around bullying someone, yet someone bullies me, I’d feel like that was a violation. I guess I shouldn’t think like that, but every time I do, this question crosses my mind: “If I can’t expect people to treat me with respect, why should others expect me to treat THEM with respect?”… Read more »
Ah – you certainly don’t have to accept the bully’s behavior and treat them with the respect that they no longer deserve. All you have to do is realize the only person you can control is you. So if someone is a bully, you can 1) avoid them as much as possible, 2) realize the bullying says way more about them and their insecurities than it does about you, 3) bully them back (doesn’t sound like this is the path you want to walk), or take any number of other actions. While it’s a silly example, I walk everyday and… Read more »
Omg this is exactly what I needed to read. I have such a hard time not letting other peoples actions affect me. ♀️. And your right I guess I am trying to change them, and I shouldn’t. It’s just hard when you see someone making so many choices you think are mistakes and say nothing. All the little things people do get to me and I need to realize they are not my problem to solve. Definitely something I need to learn to let go off and stay in my lane. I need to stop expecting people to live up… Read more »
So glad you found it helpful, Lina! Thanks for your comment! And it’s totally okay to tell someone what you think they are doing is a mistake, just don’t have any expectations they will change. If they listen to you and make improvements – yahoo! If they don’t, you tried and you can let it go. Keep rocking your standards and eventually you’ll find the right people! ❤
Such good advise. My ex husband was pretty hands off while my daughter grew up. He lived 4 minutes from us for several years and only saw her on his scheduled weekends. And on Fridays when she had sports events for school, he never attended. He had a hobby to participate in of his own. Saturdays, he left her with her uncaring step mom. He also never helped with support unless it was court ordered. No college, no wedding, cars, braces, glasses, surgery, on and on. Bottom line, he was a lazy dad, self absorbed. Fast forward to now. He’s… Read more »
Oh Michelle, I won’t lie – this sucks! BUT let’s remember your daughter isn’t stupid. Dad’s a hot mess with 5 wives. He’s still lazy and self absorbed. And this new wife can NEVER take the place of a mom who was there for her and her kids for all those years. What Wife 5 is, is a shiny object. Someone new with some free time to babysit and some cash for gifts. Your daughter doesn’t love her and she certainly doesn’t love you any less. I think it was good to block Wife 5 on social media. Facebook is… Read more »
Thank you for the reply it is truly a blessing! It is just a relief to vent to someone and feel understood.
You are right, I have wasted too much time on this person who really is irrelevant. God bless you.
❤❤❤
Hi , I love this article ,in my life I have gone through very wrost situation I had many emotional break down ,people call me I m too emotional I get attached with the people so quickly, but once I get attached with them they start taking as a granted ,they said I always complain about everything, but I am not wrong all the time ,when I see something wrong then I complain only, now a days everybody want a happy face or happy mood , once you start serious conversation about relationship ,they said you are overthinking , I… Read more »
Hi Susmita! I’m so glad you liked it! And my heart goes out to you! You sound like someone who feels things very deeply. Unfortunately many people are somewhat shallow – at least at first. If you can enter relationships expecting nothing, maybe you can go a little slower emotionally and protect yourself. You will find your people – just try to go slow and keep being who you are. If you attach too quickly to the wrong person, you might miss the right one! And find things you enjoy solo – that can help you go slower. Your life… Read more »
Yes
interesting! i cant stand is my husbands lack of keeping his end of the deal; he will promises, for instance, that he will vacuum for you, and then (after youve done your part of the deal) & then you do his laundry, & make him breakfast. when its late in the evening yet he still didnt do what he said hed do!
Hi! So frustrating! Well, you know the old adage – fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me! Don’t do his laundry going forward until he does what he promised. Obviously if he had a good reason (he had to work late, for example), that would be different. Will he do the chores, just on his timetable? That is a pretty common occurrence. Women want things done now and guys will get to them….eventually. This is one we often have to make peace with. Or is he being a jerk and expecting you to do everything?… Read more »
Thanks for writing this!! I’m currently struggling to not be affected by my fathers drinking. He gets drunk, acts recklessly, forgets and when we bring it up to him he makes it seem as if we’re wrong for worrying about him or wishing he didn’t drink. I try to not let it get to me but I tend to cry a lot or feel tense because its my dad and he refuses to open up about his past and chooses to get drunk everyday to escape. It’s hurtful to watch and I find myself getting worked up about this constantly.
Hi Kat! I’m so glad you found this helpful! I’m so sorry to hear about your dad – when your parents have addiction issues, it is especially painful. They can’t take care of themselves, much less anyone else. I have no idea how old you are, but if/when you’re old enough, limit the time you spend with him. Don’t visit if he’s drunk/drinking. Unless he wants to change and gets help changing, he simply won’t. He’s already making you feel bad for caring about him! Addicts are great manipulators. Your feelings and reactions are completely normal. That said, you’re going… Read more »
I love this article. I recently had an argument with the father of my child. We recently separated but we were trying to make things work. However, I am realizing that all he does is gaslights and manipulate me into making me think I am the problem because “I MAKE THINGS DIFFICULT” Of course, It is my fault because I put up with it. You literally cant change someone of they don’t see what they are doing is wrong. As much as that hurts, we stay because we believe we can change someone but in reality, if they’re not going… Read more »
Hi Yos! Thanks for your comment! So sorry you’re going through this! I’m glad you see through what he’s doing and realize trying to change someone else is a recipe for heartbreak. I hope he gets it together, but if not, enjoy your child and focus on creating a great life for the two of you. Hang in there, my friend!!
Denise, Thank you for this article. I feel its something I need to re-read everyday until it comes natural. There are so many times that I dwell on people and things that are completely irrelevant to my own life. I am so easily annoyed that it frustrates me. I dont want to be this way, I dont want to care. I just dont understand why/how some people are the way they are. But, I will NEVER understand that and I need to LET IT GO. Not my monkey not my circus. I know its easier said than done but your… Read more »
Ha, ha, ha!! Christy, you need a friend like Erica you can vent to! I have one and she’s a lifesaver. Thanks so much for your comment – I’m so glad you liked the article. I always write what I need to hear. I am definitely not the ringmaster of every circus and I need to constantly remind myself of that. And the next time you think you’re annoying or overanalyzing, remind yourself that while not every circus is yours, every circus does indeed need a ringmaster. Thanks for reading!
Not my monkey, not my circus, love it!
Thank you sooooooo much for this article. I feel like people are constantly irritating me, from my mother asking me to do A and then changing it to A through S, to the husband’s overdrinking and laziness, to the girl at work at the department behind her who keeps changing the rules of how I need to work my project, to a guy who rigidly went around the mulberry bush just to say what I had already said as if it was a novel idea, the last of which brought me here. I blame it on PMS, lack of sleep,… Read more »
Thanks, Erica! I am laughing as I read this because we have all been there! Don’t be so hard on yourself! This is a serious journey – and the more you practice letting your high expectations of others go, the happier you will be! Whenever I find myself getting mad at the slow driver in front of me, family members who do stupid things, or random strangers who act like blockheads, I just remind myself the only person upset right then is me! And I’m doing it to myself! Sigh. Welcome to the wrapped too tightly overachievers club! Get a… Read more »
Erica, You sound like me! We should be best friends HA
Thanks for the article. I wanted to write because i really needed some encouragements…. I moved to a foreign land due to marriage and I have a child of 4 years old whom we have enrolled in the preschool of the public school. We were generally happy with it until beginning this year, a boy in her class started to hurt my child (and some other children too) in 3 separate occasions within 3 months. Knowing that this happened to only my child, I asked the teacher to do something about it, but she didn’t. So on the third occasion… Read more »
Oh my gosh – I am sooooo sorry! How terrible that another child bit your child on the face! I am so very, very sorry. (It sounds like he might really have some problems.) I’m so glad you are at another school! I have to say, you have handled this amazingly well. You didn’t gossip, you didn’t lash out at the mom, you’ve been terrific. My guess is, the other moms were not so great. But we’ll let them go. It sounds like you only really care about the boy’s mom. It’s possible she’s embarrassed or ashamed or mad you… Read more »
such an informative article. ur amazing
Thanks, Shanaya! So glad you liked it!
sometime’s i have a guy called mr roy in i have been with him for one year
he is sometimes crazy i don’t like him sometimes he make’s me have a bad day in he is really annoying he is like a jerk he say i can’t eat carnival food sometimes he thank’s every place in new jersey is so far from paterson too
All I can say is why would you stay with a man who says you can’t eat carnival food? Mr. Roy has no joy. Set yourself free.
I am someone who just thinks that people are really nice and trustworthy and tell them my secrets, just because i tell them it is something important to me.More than often people aren’t like that. Ive come to realize that but somehow I still tell people secrets.So i told one of my classmates who i knew, but not too well some secret stuff about me and soon after i regretted it.Now i just have this feeling that the whole school knows about it, they probably don’t but i just cant get the thought out of my mind and it probably… Read more »
Hi Nicki! I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way! And if it bothers you, it is a big problem. Many people are nice and trustworthy, but some are so desperate to be liked, they tell your secrets in the hope someone will like them for it. I know it seems crazy, but at your age, everyone just wants to be popular and have people like them. I can promise you – one day you will look back and think, “Why did I waste so much energy thinking about those losers?” You know how to get through? Find something you like… Read more »
thank you so much this means a lot, and i will do my best to follow your advice
Thank you for your comments!!! Hang in there!
This is such a useful article thank you x
Thanks so much!!!!
A friend of mine who I’ve known for over 20 years has burned out my willingness to understand her decisions. The decisions she makes are self serving (I get that part)… Add to it her purposeful ignorance of the pitfalls, the easy to project disastrous outcomes. (I can even handle that part). It’s the complaining afterwards of all the problems her decisions have created. I stopped long ago at attempts to give advice. I’ve stopped encouraging conversations about much of anything because the conversations are almost always one sided, with her relaying the excitement and enthusiam of her next acquisition… Read more »
Hi Aperenna! Thanks for sharing – I know this is hard. It sounds like you know what to do – I’m not sure why you don’t do it. You seem to have a great deal of awareness – is it possible you choose friends of this sort to avoid intimacy? Just a question to mull over. Let her go and free up the space to find someone who can have a deep connection with you – if that’s what you want. You’ve known her for 20 years – she isn’t going to change. But it may be time for you… Read more »
I was bullied and verbally abused by a boy in school when I was 15. I was just minding my own business when he started throwing paper balls at me, and when I tried to get him to stop it, he came up and he slapped me. I am a very shy person and as that was right in the middle of the class I was shocked and froze as he simply just walked off. After that he took every opportunity to humiliate and demean me but whenever I tried to take it up, he always said that they were… Read more »
Hi Atharv! That’s terrible – I am so very sorry! I think it would be great to talk with a counselor about this. I think you need to work through it with someone who can listen and rebuild your self confidence. 15 is a tough age – and this was pretty traumatic. The sad thing is he still has power over you all these years later because he’s still in your head. I can assure you he has moved on, you need to figure out a way to do so as well. He will become meaningless to you when you… Read more »
I appreciate you replying to my message. I have been speaking to a counselor about this for a few months now. I will certainly do such a symbolic act as the one you mentioned. Thank you for your wishes!
My 20 year old son has ADD, been arrested for drugs, was arrested for drugs again. He’s not a leader, he’s a follower. He is the nicest and kindest and most compassionate person you’ll meet. It’s his downfall. He cannot say no to anyone – and all his friends happen to be procurers, users and sellers. So if they ask him to do something- he will. He knows they use him. I can’t control him and his choices. I’ve been seeing a therapist for years (started with my other kid). I just can’t let go of the idea that if… Read more »
Hi Stacie, I am so, so sorry you’re going through this! And I’m very glad you’re getting professional help and advice. I’m a giver of tough love, so if you don’t want that, read no further! My first question is when would you like to focus on living your own life? Until your son (who is a grown man) wants to give up drugs and get treatment, there is nothing you can do here. Watch a few episodes of Intervention – you’ll see parents spending all their time, energy, love and money “helping” children they love as much as you… Read more »
My ex business partner has caused me so much stress over the past 12months, in which I forgave her and wished her all the best in her future endeavours, however she is now infecting my Staff & encouraging them to leave and start their own businesses (in hair & beauty). Some have left and now support each others businesses, in the knowing that they have left not the right way towards me. I find this extremely hurtful when I have only ever opened my heart to my staff, been vulnerable with them, been a great boss to all of them… Read more »
Oh Tracey, I am so sorry! This is terrible! What they did absolutely stinks. And your former business partner is a snake. But you, dear friend, are going to look to the future. One – karma is a thing and often people leave one situation looking for greener pastures and find, well, the pastures are much less green than the ones they left! I would first try to learn anything you can from this. Can you improve anything (within reason) to retain your team? Also think about what you will do if any of these people want to return. Will… Read more »
My step daughter treats her dad so badly and it really frustrates me, I get so upset and then we end up arguing. She is nearly 18 and I believe her mum is a narcissist. Her dad is so kind, caring, and so authentic, he never has a bad word to say about anyone he even agreed not to tell his daughter that her mother cheated on him as he didn’t want to upset her. She takes his money, drops him as and when she feels like it and I can’t see it ever changing. However reading this I have… Read more »
Hi Jayne! Thanks for the comment! I’m glad you found some help here. Sounds like you have a great man! Someday he may indeed want to tell his daughter the truth. Why cover for his ex? His daughter may actually think he left her (kids often take divorce personally). I’m a big fan of the truth when kids are old enough to understand it. But that’s up to him, of course. For you, being a step mom is the toughest job ever. I’ve found the key is to expect nothing. Give time and money only if you’re okay with giving… Read more »
Thank you you are so correct. In regards to telling her the truth, her mum went onto marry the man she cheated on her dad with, (he also attacked her dad in a jealous drunken rage during their affair) she was there at the time (age 10) but she is so brainwashed by her mum unfortunately I don’t think telling her the truth would change anything. We will just carry on being happy and hope in the future she will come around. Thank you
Sounds great, Jayne! Good luck and hang in there! Thanks so much for your comments.
Thank you for the article. I just want to say that I myself have trouble with not letting other people’s behavior affect my mood. For instance, my younger sister’s presence gives me a great deal of anxiety and puts me in a bad mood. She has an entitled attitude and has used me in the past, anything that will only benefit her she uses me or my mom. She’s also quite manipulative. She can be rude to me and acts like the world revolves around her. We just have completely polar opposite personalities. When we were younger she would do… Read more »
Hi Seleny! Ugh – just reading about your sister annoys me. She only does all of this nonsense to get a rise out of you. Just roll your eyes and look at her like she’s an idiot (which she seems to be). If she uses you, don’t do anything for her anymore. I’d spend as little time around her as possible (I know that seems terrible, but if someone makes you feel this way, I see no point in being around them.) When you do have to be around her, don’t react to her. Things are harder with all the… Read more »
I’m glad that I found this article!! I’m 19, the youngest in the house with one older sister. Sometimes, she’s quite rude to me, and she doesn’t acknowledge the things I do even if she likes them (for example, my cooking). She would say mean comments and when I complain she says shes just “criticizing” and my mother sees no problem to that because she’s the same as her. I’m quite sad because although I tell them that their words upset me, they laugh it off and change the topic. I know that I’m sensitive, but sometimes I just can’t… Read more »
Hi Luna! I’m glad you did too! Thanks for your comment! I’m so sorry this is happening to you – family is tough. It sounds like they don’t understand how much they hurt you, despite you telling them. It’s hard to walk in another person’s shoes – we tend to think everyone is like us. Try to expect nothing from them. Cook because you enjoy it or enjoy eating the good food you prepared or don’t cook for them next time. I try to only give something if I can still be happy about it even if no one appreciates… Read more »
I feel the same as u Luna I can’t help but let their moped facial expression affect me
Nice article
Thank you!
Hello I’m having trouble with my son whose 45 your information was helpful. Thank you. I’m 65 and four years ago lost my daughter. Her and I were very very close. It’s been hard. I thought my son and I would become closer but that hasn’t happened. He’s self absorbed and I know that. I know I can’t change him. He’s been very hurtful many times. What I need to know is how do I not let his words and actions affect me? That would be a great help. I will loose sleep even and make myself a wreck. He’s… Read more »
Hi Deb! I’m glad it helped. I’m so very sorry about the loss of your daughter. Unfortunately, at the age of 45, your son is who he is. Apparently your relationship has been this way for some time, it is the passing of your daughter that really highlights it for you. You can certainly continue to try to reach out to him, but better would be reaching out to others. See if there is a meetup.com group in your area for parents who have lost children or just fun women who do exciting things. I know the loss of your… Read more »
Hi, what an article thank you so much Now my problem is that I do so much for other people nice things, I’m not sure if I’m a good person or deep down I want to feel appreciated and seen for the good I’m doing in such a way that the very same people they will not give me any respect I deserve they will talk any how like talking they are talking to a child not even a child is suppose to be treated this way and it gets to the bottom of me I even cry and after… Read more »
I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way! Here’s what I believe – only do nice things for other people IF you can do those things and expect nothing in return. If just doing them makes you happy, then do them. Example – someone asks you to stop by the store and pick up something for them. If it’s on your way and you need something from the store too, it’s no big deal and if they don’t seem very grateful, who cares? But if someone asks you to go by the store and pick up something for them and it… Read more »
Why I didn’t search for this before? Thanks for sharing it. It’s my choice to let this go …or not I feel very ashamed, but I can’t, I don’t stand the noise. Loud noises, laughs, and mostly loud and annoying music drives me crazy! I get all angered, irritable, my chest hurts so much to the point I have to punch or put pressure in the center or the pain won’t go away. It has affected me in so many ways, I stoped living my life they way I want to. I have an appointment with a doc next week,… Read more »
Oh Sophia – what a nightmare! I’m glad you have an appointment with a doctor – who knows? Maybe there is something they can do. If not, this is a tough one. All you can do is try to block out the noise – try ear plus or noise cancelling head phones. I know it’s not fair, you shouldn’t have to do that, but it seems the walls are thin and you are going to hear whoever is there. Until you can move, blocking the noise is the only idea I have. You might try placing bookshelves filled with books… Read more »
Hi there, I’m struggling immensely with letting a past situation go. My partner of three years, whose daughter I’ve been helping him raise since she was 1, cheated on me for several months. Our friends knew about the affair, yet no one told me anything. It wasn’t until he told me he was moving out that I knew something was even wrong. He asked that woman to be his girlfriend the day he told me he was leaving. Our friends paid me lip service about how angry they were with him and how awful this whole situation was. Then, one… Read more »
Oh Kris, what a mess. I’m so sorry you’ve gone through this. I’m very glad you’re getting professional advice – they can really help you unpack all this. So definitely go with their advice first, I’ll just throw in some ideas I have. First of all – you have to stop looking at any social media involving these people. Looking at it and paying any attention at all to what they are doing is just torturing yourself. (It’s all a fantasy anyway – no one posts the truth.) As far as letting him go – why would you want this… Read more »
Hi I felt great when I read your post, I have a concern I was hoping you’d reply. So I was working at our family merchandising business together with our Doughnut Stall. Most customers always does extra things that gets to me. They keep on breaking boundaries too far as a salesperson and customer relationship. Especially when there are construction workers, they always buy doughnut from me while having those creepy smiles and asks inappropriate questions instead of just minding their own business. The way I handle this things when things are just too much is that I just lash… Read more »
Hi! Thanks for your comment! I know – dealing with the public can be challenging to say the least. If working the counter is this upsetting to you, is there another job you could do? If this is it, your best option is to be cool and professional. You can serve them and just ignore all the other stuff. If someone is being inappropriate, keep helping other customers or ignore them and start cleaning or doing other tasks. If they can’t get a reaction from you, they may stop. If they are just joking around that’s one thing, but if… Read more »
Hi I found your article really helpful. I have recently been messed around by a guy I work with and when I called him out on his behaviour instead of acknowledging it and apologising he is now constantly obnoxious and rude and it had been really effecting me. I struggled because I knew I hadn’t done anything to deserve bring treated like that but it made me feel I had to prove I am a good person as someone had decided they didn’t like me anymore. After reading your article it made me realise that it is his problem not… Read more »
Thanks so much for sharing! And YAY for you, girlfriend! I am soooo proud of you! I think you dodged a huge bullet there. Anyone who would act like that might very well escalate into emotional or physical abuse. Good riddance! Well done!
Hi, I’ve read some of the discussions and feel this applies to me as well. My partners behaviour shows that of passive aggressive. I have been to a lot of counselling over the years and done my own research through reading also. I have come to the conclusion after reading articles on my partners behaviour towards me that he doesn’t care/love me and most of the boxes are ticked. My problem now is even though I have realised, acknowledge and accepted the situation I still fall into the trap of getting upset by his behaviour towards me or something he… Read more »
Oh Dianne – I’m so very sorry you are going through this! I can’t help but wonder why in the world you are staying with this person. You certainly have the right to expect things from your significant other and if he is incapable or unwilling to give you what you need, well, I don’t know why you are staying with him. You deserve to be with someone who cares about you and loves you! If there is a reason why you cannot leave, the best advice I can give you is to stop expecting anything from him. Your meltdowns… Read more »
Thank you so much for this. I like your message and that touch of humor. Paragraph 6 and 7 and the last one… The bottom line makes all the sense in the world to me. I’m 74 and extremely HSP and in many cases can sense a person who is loving and one who is the absolute opposite. Your message is going to help me a great deal in my issue regarding two people but it’s a long story. I should have learned by now considering my age to be able to let it go and to let them go… Read more »
Hi Frank! Thanks so much for your kind words! I’m so glad you enjoyed the article – I wrote this, but I certainly still have issues like you do. Being human is a pain sometimes! Some people still get to me too! You sound like a very joyful traveler and I’m very grateful you stopped by to spread some joy and love here. Good luck freeing your mind from them! xoxoxoxo
Thank you for the article, and your temperament is admirable. I don’t have specific problems to be troubled with, but rather it’s anything! I would be livid, upset or in tears over just about anything, some absolutely has nothing to do with me personally. I try to reason/argue with people about anything and could easily get a red face doing it, “no, they have to understand! why don’t they just see it!” For example, somebody in a another country said something, I would argue about it, maybe online, or to myself at night, which leads to insomnia. Anything a random… Read more »
Hi Dear Yavis! I’m so glad you enjoyed the article! And please know that everyone has days like you! Sometimes I get angry about something and have to mentally get in my head and say, “Denise, does it really matter?” I think that might help you too. When you find yourself getting upset/angry about something – just ask, “Does it even matter?” People are always doing crazy, stupid things – just take a deep breath and let it go. The more you do practice this, the easier it gets. And you are definitely not a lunatic – you’re just human.… Read more »
I am having a hard time with covid and people disregarding rules, but most specifically my in laws. We are legally not allowed to have indoor gatherings. They are all doing it anyways. Everyone but my spouse and I and our kids. It’s hard to not become upset with them and also feel bad that we don’t get that same quality family time. I also have an immune compromised parent which makes us more aware of the consequences. This also makes me sad that they don’t even think about my family’s health when they are all getting together. In fact… Read more »
Hi Jess! Thanks for your comment! Sorry you are feeling this way. It’s a tough time as people feel very differently about the situation. I think your in-laws don’t think your family is at risk, so it is not that they don’t care about you or your health, it’s just that they have different beliefs regarding the virus. You can do whatever you like to care for your family. If that means not participating in family get togethers for now, that is your choice. What you can’t do is control the behavior of others who do not share your beliefs.… Read more »
Hi I desperately need your help! You seem to have figured most things out. I’m a senior student and pretty normal, I don’t like to stand out especially negatively but because of a little slip of the tongue I was suddenly in the center of people’s negative attention. It’s not even that serious the things that I said but I regretted saying what I did almost instantly. Anyway a group of kids have now got it in for me I feel like they’re always talking about me even though I never get in anyone’s way or even speak about them… Read more »
Hi Henri! Thanks so much for your comment! And if it seems that way, it’s mostly because I’m old. I’m so sorry you’re going through this – things pretty much suck in high school. The “cool” kids seem to have it all together and, the truth is, they don’t have it together anymore than you do. If they are treating you badly, it’s because they feel bad about themselves. Putting you down makes them feel lifted up. It’s stupid and doesn’t work that way, but no one knows any better at your age. Anyway, your studies matter WAY more than… Read more »
Thank you.
❤❤❤
Thank you for this. I am fairly young, only 17. I’ve been kind of sheltered my whole life. Me and my girlfriend have a pretty healthy relationship for the most part, but every once in a while something happens and I blow it completely out of proportion. I would like to know how to stop going crazy and to actually be a good partner for my girlfriend.
Hi Andrew! Good for you for having the courage to write! I’m already proud of you! I think the best way to be a good partner to someone else, is to be a good partner to yourself. If something happens (say she doesn’t respond to a text you sent – for several hours) and you blow it out of proportion (You say, “It’s been three hours! You couldn’t text me? You always have your phone!”), you need to be a better partner to yourself. You need to have your own back and not let how someone else acts upset you… Read more »
Hi, thank you for the article! Please advice if you can: My husband seems generally like a good, normal person. But once a while he will obsess about an artificially created issue /what if…/ can be totally random and it’s not something actually happening but he, seems to me, is using that to let off steam. He comes to me for answers, I give him solid solutions. He comes back few more times, same thing. Than he will push the issue as if no solutions were ever offered /he never acts on the offered solutions btw./ and he gets this… Read more »
Hi Yanna! Thanks for your comment! Remember I am not a professional counselor and it sounds like you two should definitely go see one. Will you be part of his therapy? The violent outburst is very concerning – your safety has to be the top priority. If he doesn’t want to get counseling together, I think you should talk to someone on your own. I’d like a professional to help you evaluate if this relationship is abusive or might become so. I don’t want to advise you to do anything without having a better understanding of how he might react.… Read more »
Hi, I’m sorry to butt in, but he is beyond your “help” or working things out. You are not his “punching bag” for him to release all his tirades. This isn’t going to get better since he already blames you for everything and won’t take responsibility for his own actions. You’re probably right about him needing drama to fuel his addictive personality. Please get out and don’t look back. It won’t get better, especially because he knows you’ve accepted his bad behavior before. Don’t keep taking his apology and promises to be better. They’re just empty words. I wish you… Read more »
Hi Vanna! Sarah has some strong words here which probably tell us a lot about her life experiences. I published them so she could share them with you, but I still think professional help is a good next step (unless you’re already decided you want to leave). Your husband has been sober for 20 years, so attributing all these problems to his addictive personality is something only a professional should do. A professional could also help you unpack why you chose to marry him and how you can learn from this. Good luck!!
During this Covid crisis we are in, it is driving me crazy when I see people not social distancing, not wearing a mask when around each other, or wearing their mask under their nose or as a chin warmer, or worse yet, the defiant ones who deliberately won’t abide by any of the protocols necessary to stop the spread of the virus and especially those that even seem to look for a confrontation over their defiance. Another problem are those on social media, such as Facebook, that make comments that are against the science and are also defiant towards following… Read more »
Hi Jim! Thanks for your comment! Well, you can’t force other people to do anything. Some people are adamant about other people wearing masks, yet won’t get the vaccine. People are all over the place. Here’s what you can do – control you. Keep as much distance from people as you want. Wear your mask how you want and when you want. Get the vaccine or don’t. You can post whatever you want on social media, but you can’t control what other people post. Here’s what I do – I give them grace. I was leaving the post office the… Read more »
I understand your reasoning on an older man not wearing a mask, and giving him grace, but I guarantee you that the people I constantly see do not have a medical reason for not wearing a mask. It’s hard to give grace to those being openly defiant and seeking confrontation.
All I can tell you is you can choose to let the actions of others upset you, you can try to intervene, or you can let it go. There are tons of things other people do and will continue to do we disagree with. You can only choose how much of your mental and emotional energy you want to give to them. If you are correct and they are just not wearing masks to get a reaction, by letting them concern and anger you so much, you are giving them what they want. Focus on what you can control, set… Read more »
Hey,I have a sister who keeps troubling me and teasing me.My parents say me to grow a thicker skin.She thinks teasing is her way of showing love.But I hate it.How do I stop her from teasing Me?or how can I react in a better way?
Ah – siblings! You can’t stop your sister from teasing you (although someday she probably will). What you can do is ignore it. If she doesn’t get a reaction from you, she’ll probably stop. When she does it, look at your phone or a book or out the window. You can always think “I’m rubber, you’re glue, whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you.” Remember – the only person you can control is you. How would you like to react? Whatever you answer is – do that. You can control how you react if you want to… Read more »
Hi, I grew up with a Mom who like to yell a lot. I thought that was how everyone was. I had children and did the same thing to them. It wasn’t till they got older that i realized how i ended up being like my mother who i never wanted to be like. I have been married for the last 10 years. Our marriage struggles greatly because of me. He says… he doesn’t know which person I am going to be when he gets. home everyday. and I fly off the handle a lot. How do I not realize… Read more »
Hi Julie! I’m so glad you enjoyed this! It sounds like you are on the right path! Maybe try keeping a gratitude journal. You can do it right before you go to sleep – think of three things that happened that day you were grateful for and jot them down. They can be simple (it was a gorgeous day) or more profound (when I opened my eyes this morning, I could see – how often do we take the gift of sight for granted?). It gets you in the habit of celebrating the good instead of focusing on the bad.… Read more »
Hello, how does a person deal with a partner who is an emotional vampire? My husband is moody, mopey, and obstructs everything. It’s very draining. We have two children and overall our home is quiet and calm. We have spoken to him about his moody behavior and he’s been to therapy but nothing has changed. The worst part of all this is once he’s around his friends he’s lively, animated, and talkative. He makes plans with them and pursues recreational activities outside the home. But once he’s home he treats us absolutely miserably for no reason. He gives us the… Read more »
Oh Linda, I hate this for you. Thanks for sharing. First off, please know that I am not a professional counselor and seeing one is what I would HIGHLY recommend. Both of you need to go, but if he won’t, than you should. It’s hard for me to advise you, especially since children are involved. I’m not sure why he would be manipulating you and I have no idea why you feel responsible for his happiness or unhappiness. These are important questions to explore with a professional. Just reading this, I’m not sure why you want to stay with him… Read more »
Thank you so much for replying. I greatly appreciate your suggestions!
You are so welcome – I wish you the best of luck (and MUCH happiness!!!)!
Thank you for the amazing advice. I leave home for work with a positive attitude. When I get there all type of situations are going on, I get frustrated when my coworkers and customers are inconsiderate to others. I try to cope but sometimes it doesn’t work. I allow myself to get frustrated and angry. I have a reputation at work being a kind, loving and spiritual person. Don’t won’t to keep allowing myself to get upset.
Hi J! So sorry about this for you! Take a look at my answer to Peggy – it might help you as well. Take a deep breath and have a mantra that works for you – “I can’t control these people. I WILL travel in joy.” Or something you come up with. Also if they cause you to be frustrated and angry, it will be harder for you to be kind and loving to others. I think it’s time to become a spiritual warrior – every time you find their actions upsetting you, do the mind work to keep yourself… Read more »
I am in a job that is a decent job to do but the people and the manager are not. There is always drama, people getting away with not doing their job and some of that falls on me to pick up the slack on. Lots of filthy colorful talk, loud obnoxious behavior, and management that helps to stir the drama. There is no private conversation with the manager and she comes at people with abrupt attitude. I always feel like I am going to get in trouble because Im the odd one. Im twice these coworkers ages and dont… Read more »
Hi Peggy! I’m so sorry about this – ugh! I’m afraid there’s not much you can do to change other people. All you can do is not let it bother you so much. So, first – assume they will not change. Second, keep doing you. You just do your work as well as you can. If they want to be slack losers, fine. You can hold your head up and do a great job. Remind yourself that you have pride in yourself. Just think of yourself as passing through – COVID won’t be here forever and you will be able… Read more »
Hi, I have an ex that I just can’t shake. He says one thing and does the exact other. We broke up almost 3 years ago but he pops in from time to time. I know I allow it. I’ve realized that I’m only allowing the behavior so I’ve blocked him and deleted all the pictures (even though it took me some time to delete them). Anyway I unblocked him bc what if he wanted to talk again? And now he’s popped back in. It’s not the typical relationship there’s so much more to it and I don’t say this… Read more »
Thanks for your comment, C! First of all – I know this sucks! Guys like this will treat you this way as long as you let them. I know – been exactly where you are. It works because – it’s exciting and unpredictable. Did you know that if a mouse gets a reward for doing something randomly it is more motivated than if it got the reward every time it took the action? (B.F. Skinner in the 1950s) The poor nice guy who calls you everyday gets boring. The jerk who calls you when it suits him is exciting. Oldest… Read more »
Hi. I have a situation in which my long-distance fiance is not quick to end conflict between us as I would like. I am stuck always being the one who is worrying, and thinking and have to talk and make sense of the situation. He is stubborn and takes longer but it really affects me negatively because he is the closest person to me, he is like my best friend and my emotional companion. We talk every day, he is the only person I feel comfortable having every day long phone calls with. I do not do that with my… Read more »
Hi Sara! Thanks so much for your comment. First off, let me say I’m sorry you’re feeling this way – ugh. I think most of us have been there. Remember, I’m not a professional counselor, so I always advise everyone who really wants to unpack their feelings to see a professional. But I do have a couple of thoughts for you. One is that you cannot get all your emotional needs met from one person. You need to work hard on getting closer to your friends or finding new friends. No one can be your everything – you need other… Read more »
My roommate saved all the garbage in her room and waited a couple weeks to let it pile up until it was my week to take it out again. Then she put all the recycling stored, in the bins at once. Shes leaving moulded food around quite often too. She also clogged the toilet multiple times in a row after I told the landlord of our dorm that she left her poo in the toilet without flushing and it caused a clog when I went to flush it. Shes slobby and makes the whole house stink. What should i do?… Read more »
Hi Roni! Ugh – what a nightmare! Sounds like you are rooming with a slob and I’m so sorry. Your options are 1) keep cleaning up after her (enabling her behavior, but giving you a nicer place to live), 2) stop cleaning up after her (be okay with the mess and smells and/or hope she might do better if you’re not cleaning up her mess), 3) talk to her about what you expect and tell her what you will do if it doesn’t change (of course if you’re not going to do anything, then don’t say you are), and finally… Read more »
Hello I truly enjoyed reading this article. I found it to be very insightful. As for my situation I feel as though my entire life has been a lie, going from being sexually abused as a child for years, to an anger issue out of this world thinking I needed to control every outcome in every situation, of course that lead me to prison(6years). Getting out to my oldest daughters father being in a fatal car accident. To meeting a narcissistic maniac barring two of his children, being abused through it all. I finally gained the strength to leave. As… Read more »
Hi Ris! First of all – I am so, so sorry for all you’ve been through. And bravo to you for leaving a crazy man! That takes true strength. I am no counselor and I completely understand that you can’t afford to talk to one, so I’ll offer you what I can. One of the big causes of depression is rumination – thinking about the past over and over, revisiting things we cannot change. It was horrible and wrong that you were abused, but as long as you keep revisiting it, it continues to own you. And you know what?… Read more »
Deniseryan, thank you so much. I’m not sure if you truly understand how much of a blessing you are to me! I am so grateful God told me to write on here I usually don’t open up like that, but to keep it bottled and have no one that says they love me, believe me nor hear me out is more hurtful than anything, so Thank you! To be honest I am on the right track, I am constantly playing and teaching my kids loving on them and attempting to break the cycle of drama, trauma, and no self love..… Read more »
Ris, you made my day! I’m glad I was able to help! See – I knew you were a rock star of strength! I think if family is making you feel bad, then stepping away is the best thing you can do. I do believe we teach people how to treat us and if your brother calls and asks you for money knowing your situation, then starts telling you hurtful things and you keep talking to him, then you teach him that’s okay. You did the right thing – protected yourself. Follow your joy, avoid people who hurt you –… Read more »
You already answered my question… live my life and rock it out, my children and I will live happy, grateful, loving, and caring lives,. I will be sure to update here in the future, let you know how we are. Your the best.
Ris I’m going to love and prey for you and your family. I had to stop talking to my mom because she was really toxic to me. At first I felt horrible but as I worked on myself I could see things clearer and realized it was the best for me. You might not like where you are now but if you keep working on yourself you might just find that this time in your life might be the best thing for you to grow. When you and your kids are living in that house you provided you can look… Read more »
Tash, thanks for sharing – great advice!!
Hi, I found this article when I searched on how not to be let others affect you. As a very sensitive person, I tend to be easily bothered and affected by how others treat and behave towards me. I felt that I needed some kind of help. I have not been sleeping well and also not been on good mood for the past few days due to something that happened at work. Recently, I was faced with a situation whereby my colleague is not talking to me and also does not respond to my texts. I am not too sure… Read more »
Hi SP! I’m so sorry you are going through this! I’m willing to bet this has nothing to do with you. You seem like a kind and considerate person, so I can’t imagine you doing something that would give offense. Just try to be yourself – keep saying hello, etc. and I bet she’ll come around. And if she doesn’t? Well, you can either reach out again again or you can just keep being you. But I would definitely try to stop worrying about it – anyone who ignores others and doesn’t respond to them is kind of a jerk.… Read more »
Hi, thank you for your advice and reply. By the way, just to update you on the situation. My colleague did talked to me but only for work-related matters. Unlike before, where we used to laugh and share some of our more personal matters. Few days ago, I tried to ask but she did not wish to talk about it and told me she just want to work only. However, I see that she is still talking and laughing with the rest of the people there. Anyway, I told myself not to bother so much as I am only there… Read more »
Hi SP! Dang it – I’m so sorry! I don’t know what is up with her, but try not to let her get to you. Workplace friendships can definitely be complicated – some people seem to like to stir up trouble. But don’t let her ruin other friendships for you. Work friends can make work a better place, so try to stay open. Close yourself to hurt from her, but stay open to other friends. I think the right friends will find you – and they will be glad they did! Travel as joyfully as you can – happy attracts… Read more »
Thankyou for this wonderful advice. What my situation is that a very close friend of mine(as i think)acts so wierd sometimes. We have been friends now for three months and have come really close. He also tells me sometimes that i am important to him but i donot know whether he really means it or not as everything happens over text. But every time some tiff happens between us, he stops talking to me. I am always the first person to resolve things. He acts as if it doesnot bother him. I lend all my support, warmth, love, care to… Read more »
Hi Karina! I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way! It sounds to me like you have some romantic feelings for your friend? Regardless, you might want more from him than he is willing to give. Remember, you can only control you. Let’s start by asking – do you really want a friend who stops talking to you and ignores you? Who doesn’t want to listen when you try to explain your feelings? Who is not there when you need him? You can’t make him be a better friend – he has to want to be a better friend. I think… Read more »