How to Stop Letting Other People Upset You
It happens to the best of us. We find ourselves completely undone by someone else’s behavior. It could be anything from someone cutting you off in traffic to your spouse cheating on you. Mild to severe, other people’s actions can turn our world upside down.
I recently let myself get all caught up in someone else’s drama. My boyfriend’s daughter was behaving in some ways I found unacceptable. He was trying to rein her in; she was acting out more and more; we all went to counseling (I can’t tell you how many arguments, sleepless nights, and general fury on my part all this caused). Suddenly, she decided to move in with her mother. As soon as she moved, poof – there was peace on earth. No more drama, angst, or fury. Is she still doing all the stuff we had problems with? I’m sure. But now it’s not my issue. And you know what? It never was.
Most of the things that you get upset about aren’t your issues. The driver who cut you off? Their driving is not your issue. All you need to worry about is getting safely to your destination. That lazy co-worker who isn’t doing their share of the work? Not your issue. All you need to do is focus on your own good work. Your cheating spouse? Not your issue. Your issue is why you would stay with someone who is cheating on you.
Some tips to help with this:
1. Realize you cannot control other people. They are going to do the crazy, stupid, incorrect things they are going to do. You can’t force them to do anything else. You can’t force someone to stop being lazy or lying to you or cheating on you. The only person you can control is you. You get to decide how much you’re going to let this person’s behavior impact you. Your worrying, obsessing, venting, etc. has zero impact on them – and only hurts you.
2. You have three choices – change your thinking, change your behavior, or do nothing. My boyfriend is not a planner – it’s just not his way. This used to drive me completely insane. I would constantly argue the importance of planning – that if you failed to plan, you planned to fail. I was quick to point out occasions where his lack of planning cost him (I’m such a charmer!). He finally told me that if I liked planning so much, I could just plan everything and he would gladly go along. I finally accepted that I was never going to change him. I can either live with no plan (changing how I think about planning), make the plan myself (changing my behavior), find a new boyfriend (also changing my behavior) or just keep complaining about it. But I’ll never make him a planner.
3. Examine your role in the behavior. Did the driver ahead of you cut you off because you just started talking on your cell and slowed 20 MPH? Did your teenager lie to you because the last time he told you the truth he was grounded? Is your spouse cheating because you are on the road 358 days a year? I’m not condoning any of the behaviors – I’m just asking you to look at the only person you can control – you. Maybe you are playing a role and not even realizing it.
4. But realize it may have absolutely nothing to do with you. I hate to say it, but this is more often the case. We are all the center of our own universes. Many times we think people are doing things because of us or to us and they aren’t. The driver may not have even seen you. Your teenager may lie just because he doesn’t want to be embarrassed. Your spouse may be cheating for the thrill of it and still loves you (although they have a crummy way of showing it).
5. Don’t inadvertently enable the behavior. Some people engage in their crazy behavior because the people around them encourage it. If your spouse cheats on you, and you take them back and treat them better than before, can you blame them if they cheat again? If your friend “borrows” money from you, and never repays it and you lend them more, can you blame them if they never repay that loan either? I love Maya Angelou’s advice, “The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them.” I know you don’t think you’re enabling, you think you’re helping. You think they will behave differently this time, that perhaps your love or kindness will change them. I say to you – why are you trying to control them still? Trying to change someone is trying to control them.
6. Let it go. Think of whoever drives you crazy right now. Get worked up – think of how they lie to you or how they don’t do their share or how selfish they are – whatever it is they are doing that drives you crazy. Assume they will never change. Ever. Can you just let it go? Is it really a minor thing you’ve been focusing on, making it major? In the big scheme of things, my boyfriend’s nonplanning is just not that big a deal. It’s offset by his kindness, patience, and wonderful good humor. Can you focus on the good more than the bad?
7. Let them go. Some behavior you just can’t let go of. Sometimes there’s not enough good to offset the bad. The best thing to do may be to let go of the relationship. Why are you staying with someone who causes you so much upset and pain? If you can’t let go of the relationship (say it’s a co-worker), can you let go of thinking so much about them? I bet they aren’t spending so much time thinking about you.
8. Get help. Can’t let it go or them? Talk with a professional counselor – life is too short for all this drama.
9. What about kids? Obviously when kids are little, you have to control them. They might think running into traffic is a good idea and you should probably put a stop to that. But as they get older, you’ll find that you need to alter your behavior to impact theirs. Maybe they start to dress inappropriately. You have several options – you can check out current fashion before you freak; you can yell and tell them they’re not going out like that (giving credibility to their attempt at rebellion); you can cut off the clothing allowance (controlling your behavior not theirs); or you can ignore it, knowing that sooner or later they will be embarrassed just like the rest of us and will fall in line. And if you are sharing clothing with your children, know that the rest of us are trying to let it go.
The bottom line is that you can’t let the behavior of others steal your joy. But if you do, it’s your choice. Focus on being the best and happiest that you can be – that’s where your energy should go. Set the best example you can and spend time and energy on people who lift you higher. And remember, somewhere there’s someone out there who thinks YOU need to change! Ha!
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Thank you so much for this article. It was like it was written exactly for me. I am currently battling with some of these issues and I keep increasing my love hoping it will make others around me change; when, actually I’m being an enabler. I am so grateful I stumbled across this article. I look forward to being blessed by many more.
MR – thanks so much for your kind words! I’m so glad it helped! It’s so hard – the problem is, if you give too much love away without getting any back, you run out! Make sure you save a good chunk for yourself. I’m sending some your way right now! Thanks so much for commenting. ❤️
Hi! I really enjoyed reading this, especially the part about letting go of one’s actions I cannot control. I have a friend who is really lousy with making plans. She says she wants to get together once per month, which I also enjoy, but then it’s always me attempting to reach out and plan/schedule it every month. It’s turned into something that has really burned me out because she’s not the greatest at answering back about availability. She does eventually, but the back and forth sometimes goes on for a week before the plan is actually set in place. I… Read more »
Hi Liz! Argh!!! So hard! Maybe you could tell her, “Hey, I don’t mind making the plans, but I really need to hear back from you.” It’s not fair to expect you to make all the plans AND be unresponsive. I get that some people are terrible at making plans (my boyfriend), but not responding is just rude and disrespectful. I sometimes think COVID took away common politeness. But you are spot on that you can’t control her. Those get togethers have to be amazing or it might be time to find a new friend! Good luck – and thanks… Read more »
Sometimes stand up for yourself that involves financial matters
Hi Cindy! Thanks for your comment! I would say ALWAYS stand up for yourself.
I enjoyed reading this. It was a good reminder for me that I need to step back, and focus on me instead of overthinking or trying to tell myself maybe my gut feeling is wrong this time. Which is FALSE! Ladies, your gut feeling is always right! I’ve been with my boyfriend for 12 years now, and I put up with more than I ever should have. You can’t change people, people can’t change us no matter how much you think it’s possible. A person can and will only change when they are ready and want to . They can… Read more »
Amen!!! Thanks for sharing your story (although I’m sorry you’re going through it). Remind yourself that you don’t have anything invested – those 12 years are gone. The question now is will you waste any more time? After 12 years, does he even deserve 12 more minutes? You know exactly who he is. Do you care enough about yourself to walk away and find someone who will treat you well and give you the love you deserve? Until you stand up for yourself, no one else will. And I believe this with all my heart, it is far lonelier to… Read more »
It is impossible to escape it in this day and age. Everyone is selfish, lazy, cheats, lies, disrespects each other. There is no escaping it, unless I build a tree house in the middle of nowhere and run away
Hi Tee! So sorry you feel that way! There are some good people out there – I hope you don’t give up on being open to them.
This is a great article. I have recently lost a large group of friends due to one of them being very narcissistic and manipulative and me not being able to hold back from speaking about what I have seen/felt. She has now manipulated everyone into thinking I’m paranoid and loosing my mind. She made me so angry I let her win and told her partner she cheated on him, the guilt I’m carrying now is immense and horrible. It’s also made them hate me more. Carrying a lot of anger and grief and letting it consume so much of my… Read more »
Hi! I’m so glad you liked the article! And I’m so sorry you’re going through this! It sounds like a ton of drama. The first thing to do is maybe plan something fun for you and your son to do during the time you were going to go away with the group. Then you might consider if there is anyone in the group you’d like to reach out to to see if you can salvage a relationship with them. If not, make a plan to make some new friends. Attend some Meetup events you’re interested in or find another way… Read more »
I absolutely hate how I let people get inside my mind. It drives me absolutely insane that despite my discipline to stay in my line and not act on my anger, they still manage to bother my thoughts about all of the betrayal they made me feel. Past few years it feels like the amount of people who switch up on me just gradually increases. I wish I could just let the tide pass by and move on eventually..
Hi Rang! Thanks so much for your comments! You are definitely not alone! It still happens to me WAY more frequently than I’d like. I always try to remind myself that they aren’t getting upset about me, so what am I doing? Or I just try to change my focus – to think about something else. It does seem like people have become more oblivious to how they treat others – if that’s due to technology, the pandemic, divisive politics – I don’t know. I find myself turning to nature more and more to center me and remind me that… Read more »
This advice does not apply to people in long term abusive relationships who, for whatever reason, cannot easily leave. It’s easy to say,” just don’t let it get to you,” or ” just don’t take it personally “. Not if it’s your spouse who rips into you and tears apart your self esteem, gaslights you, isolates you, and sabatoges every thing you try to do, as well as convinces everyone around you that YOU are the crazy one and you find yourself alone, with no allies and nobody to believe you.
Hi Maeve! Thanks for your comment! You are right – this was not meant to help anyone dealing with long term abuse. In that situation, professional help is absolutely necessary. I would never advise someone to not let abusive behavior get to them or to not take it personally. I try to encourage people to leave at the first sign of abuse – too often we think people will change or we can fix them. Or we ignore red flags – “they were just joking” or “she said she was sorry” or “he just had too much to drink”. Sometimes… Read more »
I know EXACTLY what your going through. I am in the same boat. 18 years the last 8 have been shit. If you need to vent email me ashley.jeffries2@gmail.com I have nobody either to talk to about it.
I share a bathroom wall be X. The day X moved in, X stomped loudly next to my toilet. I had, in 10 years NEVER heard a sound coming from next door.
X began to strike objects when hearing me come in. My body shuts down.
Oh no!!! What a nightmare! I am soooo sorry! I hope X doesn’t stay there very long. Here are the only ideas I could come up with:
Lay down a rug and fill your space with furniture, curtains, etc. Even artwork can help with noise.
Use a white noise machine, earplugs, or noise-reducing headphones.
Ask your neighbors to keep it down – only good if you have a good relationship. If you don’t know them, try to connect first.
If in an apartment, talk to the manager.
File a noise complaint.
Good luck!!
Great approach to the subject though I still struggle with some points like the first one (the driver example). I understand the point, but it’s hard to implement when it is too much. I don’t exaggerate. It is too too much. If it was normal, that’s a lucky day or time. But no. It happens. It cannot not happen. I am so furious because of this. I am literally literally on the tip of the edge. I lost my fittness with life and with dealing with people. They drive me insane. I need a miracle to change what I am,… Read more »
Hi Omar! Thanks so much for your comment! I really, really hope you’ll talk to someone – a good counselor can help you get off that knife blade of rage. People can be unbelievably frustrating, I know, but you have to take your power back from them. They just do not deserve to control your emotions like this. All that anger really is only hurting you – your blood pressure, your sleep, etc. Can you escape people for a day or two and spend some time in nature? I know it sounds silly, but it always helps me calm down… Read more »
You touch in some very good points regarding us being masters to our own emotions and inherently not being responsible for others… I think there is much that could have been included as relationships and situations we encounter are much more complex than this. First, I dont agree entirely that we cannot change people, what we say and do can very well induce the self awareness that is needed for a person to first see the opportunity to change. Its healthy to experience negative emotion, without them the positive ones will die out…. Because if you shouldn’t let people upset… Read more »
Hi KG! Thanks for your thoughtful response! And yes there is much more that could be included, but this is a short article with specific tips to help someone upset with another person’s behavior. What I say here is that you can’t control other people and I’ll stand firm on that. Can you influence them? Sure! But it often doesn’t work. Remember this article addresses people who are upsetting you. Usually we are upset by people who are not doing or thinking what we’ve been trying to influence them to do or think. So instead of continuing to do something… Read more »
Great response!
Thanks, Maeve!
Such a good response instead of lashing back. Thank you for keeping up to date with this article
Thanks, Rang! I try! Thank you (and everyone else) for reading!
I don’t think you quite caught the whole point of the whole article. Of course the author already pointed out that the whole purpose was to touch base on other people’s emotions when it gets way out of hand and their options and methods to change somebody does not end up working. I just want to remind people like you that not everyone is able to tolerate another person’s behaviour despite how much love and care they have for them. Some people that have read this article have probably suffered to one sided changes and it becomes absolutely painful to… Read more »
I get so angry when the patients show up late at the medical practice I work at. When they are late for their appointments it puts me behind and causes the next appointment to run late, which angers the patient who was on time. The on time patient complains to me about me running late. I find it difficult to not be snippy with people when they are late, I feel it’s extremely rude and selfish of them to think the world revolves around them. I’m not in a position to tell the late arrivals they need to reschedule, I’m… Read more »
Hi Jaqui! Thanks for your comment and I’m so sorry you have to deal with these folks! Unless the clinic decides to do something differently (like penalize latecomers in some way), it sounds like you are stuck with the current situation. One way to deal might be to assume the best. Maybe they got lost or ran into a traffic accident. I was late for an appointment once because I’d never been to that clinic before. When I finally found a parking space and rushed toward what I thought was the entrance, it turned out to be a locked side… Read more »
I am affected by interactions with people who do not think the way I do, i.e – most of them are generally problematic ways of thinking. I get too invested in uncomfortable interactions and spend a lot of energy over it. My recent experience was just a couple of hours ago. Me and my partner live in a shared apartment with another man. His family flew here from their home country for holiday and are living here, three people, his mother,wife and child. Within a single day they managed to take over the entire space, leaving the sink full of… Read more »
Hi Aishwarya! Oh my gosh, I am so, so sorry! At least they are leaving soon? If they are leaving in two weeks (which I hope is the case for you), I would just lay low and bear this terrible behavior. And you are right, it is disrespectful! I would hate to have this man escalate further if you confront him again. He is clearly a nightmare to live with and if they were going to be there long term, we’d have to come up with a different solution. I don’t see why the landlord would kick you out if… Read more »
I have a tendency to allow other peoples feelings get to me and feel guilty or upset due to certain past traumas. It sucks cause it is supposed to roll off the shoulder and I try not to let their comments effect me in the moment but the minute I’m off the phone or overwhelmed, I contact someone else and get them to help me through this. I am trying to remind myself daily that other peoples struggles or emotions are not my own and this article was a needed reminder that 1. I’m not alone, and 2. My emotions… Read more »
Hi Teal! I’m so glad you found this helpful! And you are definitely not alone! I think we all struggle with this. So sorry your job requires you to do something that can be tough for you. Try to remember that if a caller is upset or angry – it has nothing to do with you. You’re just the middle person. The best way to disarm those negative callers is by sounding as friendly as you can (I know it’s hard). I always say that the best defense is a good offense! Dealing with customers/the public is harder than ever.… Read more »
Thanks so much for the insight. I’m finding myself feeling upset and worn down by my 13 year olds behaviour. Basically he has ocd (another issue) and is getting quite demanding when clothes aren’t washed (he wants them washed several times a day) and things aren’t his version of clean. Me getting frustrated at him makes things worse but it’s all demands these days. I know its a problem that needs to be addressed properly. Im a single mum and its getting me down these days. Everything he does annoys me these days
Oh my gosh – Lorraine – I’m so sorry! I cannot imagine how stressful and frustrating that must be! Try not to beat yourself up for being human (your son’s behavior would make my head explode). I hope you have access to a professional who can help you cope because you too deserve a life, and there must be some way of setting boundaries that would work for you both. Thanks for sharing as I’m sure there are LOTS of other Moms out there who feel your pain. Glad the article helped a little – my heart goes out to… Read more »
Thank you so much for your words of encouragement. I was googling things about people getting upset. Your article showed up. I’m super grateful that I found your article. God has an amazing way to connect us all. I always had issues at my previous and past jobs. Being a nice person, I was always taken advantage of. Im always thinking about the past. All those things that had happened to me within the workplace, sometimes those memories come right up. I learned to pray. I like what you said that we can’t control others’ behavior and that it’s their… Read more »
I’m so glad you found my article helpful! And thanks so much for sharing your words with others – sounds like you are doing so well with your journey! Love this “I realized my peace and joy are important.” Amen! Thanks for sharing!!
Very well put! I am practicing everyday some days are tough and some are easier
Thank you
Thanks so much for reading! I’m glad you liked this! And I’m with you – I think everyone struggles with not letting other people upset them. Hang in there – remember you are worth it!
Your article was really nice to read. I’ve been really struggling with not letting people and things bother me. Lately it’s been with other drivers on the road. I try my best to drive with care and no ill intentions, but there are some people who drive as though they’re out to hurt other people. For instance, I can be in the process of passing someone and they’ll speed up so I can’t pass or get in. Sometimes they’ll even break check me or slow down so I’ll remain ‘stuck’ behind them. This happens when heading home after a long… Read more »
Hi Angie! I’m so glad it made you feel better! Try to ignore those blockheads! Sometimes they are busy texting, sometimes they are just jerks, sometimes they are not paying attention – it’s really amazing there aren’t more accidents! Just keep being the safe driver you are and try not to take it personally. You’re doing a great service to others by being safe and remaining calm. There might be another driver you’re not even aware of whose life you’ve saved. Safe drivers are the guardian angels of the highways! Keep being you, my friend!! And thank you from the… Read more »
I just saved this article on my desktop so I can go back and reread as a reminder in moments of frustration. I especially appreciate the way it is organized!… I am wondering what your opinion is on leaving a little room for negotiation. Like many people here, my boyfriend and I have some ways of living life that differ. His relationship with his family is not as relaxed as my relationship with my family, and I would say, more toxic. This makes the buildup to visits with his family very stressful for me, and I start to feel a… Read more »
Hi Amanda! I’m so glad you liked the article – thanks so much for letting me know! First of all, let me say I’m really proud of you for setting those boundaries! I love those ideas! I do the same thing with my BF – sometimes I go to family things and sometimes I don’t. And his family isn’t toxic, I just sometimes have other things I’d rather do! My theory is if you cannot travel in joy, you’ll just bring everyone else down, so why go? And I think guilt is a bad reason to do anything. As to… Read more »
For a while now I have allowed my girlfriend to provoke and play on my triggers causing me to emotionally react impulsively. It would often feel impossible to just walk away and take the high road for the fear was that she was intentionally trying to provoke me. I hate myself for my reactions and more so allowing someone to take me out of my character. Even more so the fact she would play on the fact that I have became impulsive and now she has something to hold against me. I am trying to learn how to not react… Read more »
Thanks for sharing, Jordan! Argh – I’m so sorry you’re going through this! And I’m thinking your girlfriend sounds kind of mean, but I’m going to leave that up to you! Please remember that you deserve someone who supports you, not who holds things against you and makes you react in ways that are not true to your nature. That said, if she’s worth hanging onto, sounds like you are doing the right thing by not letting her determine your responses. I know it’s harder than it sounds! Good luck!!!
My best friend is an alcoholic and after 6 years sober has relapsed in the past 4 months.
His emotional rollercoaster has been affecting everything in my life. My home life, work and health.
My inability to help him has been so difficult to accept but after reading this article and comments I’m starting to realise that I have to limit the effect his behaviour has on me. It’s a work in progress but your words really helped.
I am letting the actions of my best friend shape my every thought for months now. He is an alcoholic who after 6 years sober relapsed.
Just found your article after a sleepless night. I think I’ll need to keep reading it over and over but the advice is great, heartbreaking but great.
Hi Deb! I’m so very sorry you are going through this! And I’m so glad you found this article helpful – thanks for taking the time to comment. Dealing with an addict can be such a heartbreaking and all-consuming thing as you know. As long as he’s drinking, the alcohol will always come first. I hope you’ll take the time to talk with a counselor to help you – it’s so easy to feel guilty for taking the steps needed to protect yourself. You want to help, but you don’t want to enable – it’s sooo emotional and draining. If… Read more »
Thank you so much for your response to my post.
Your words meant so much. The situation has got alot worse in the last week and the advice and support I have got from rereading parts of your site have been invaluable. I’m still struggling to take a step back but I have learnt to recognise when it’s getting too much. Like I said it’s a work in progress.
Thanks again
Thank YOU, Deb! I’m cheering you on! And know that your comment helps others too! Sometimes I have to remind myself that I can’t want more for someone then they want for themselves. When they want it and are willing to work for it, I’m right there to help. But until then, it’s a waste of my time, energy and emotions. Sending love your way!!
just read this after a disagreement with my nephew, he doesnt like it because i found his behaviour towards someone who was trying to help him inappropriate. I was happy to agree to disagree but he kicked off so i had to hang up. He is the sort to now throw it back at me and say he doesnt want to see me boxing day and doesnt want xmas gifts, then making me do all the begging. After reading this I felt a relief that its not me being unreasonable and that in fact I am enabling his behaviour and… Read more »
Yay, Bee!!!! This is so great to read! You deserve a lovely holiday too! And at 30, it’s high time he started thinking about others. The best gift you can give him might be to let your actions teach him that lesson. As long as he treats others poorly, his relationships will always suffer. Come back here if you weaken! I think you more than made up for his dad failing him, now he’s failing himself. So proud of you, my friend! Hope your holidays are wonderful and stress and drama free!!! Let the joy flow!
Thank you so much for your response, it means a lot to hear an outsider reinforce what my husband has been trying to tell me but I wasnt ready to hear it and I obviously needed to learn this for myself. After reading other articles I realise I am a highly empathetic person and over the years have taken on other peoples issues, problems and been their support but to the detrament of my own mental health. Reading your articles and other peoples on this forum and hearing your responses just suddenly woke me up to realise i can’t fix… Read more »
Woohoo! Happy New Year and new You, Bee! Sounds like your hubby is a gem! Thank you for being a light in the world. This is the year for you to focus on keeping your inner light going. It’s not selfish – it’s what allows you to light the way for others. Don’t let those negative people put it out! Thanks for making my day – again! Love you back! Denise xoxox
Hi! This was a very helpful article for me. I have a boyfriend who I’ve been with around 7 months. In the beginning it seemed like he was moderately affectionate and sweet and so was I, but as our relationship has progressed and we get more comfortable with each other, he seems to be getting less affectionate and I feel I am getting more affectionate and it’s clear he isn’t really trying to cater to my feelings too much any more. For example, I’ve been staying with him for the last few weeks and I went to my parents house… Read more »
BRAVO!!!!! Camille, you made my day! This is EXACTLY what I hope people realize when they read this! I’m glad you found this post while the relationship is still young and you can decide what to do (some people wake up after they’ve gotten married or had children and feel they are trapped). I’m so proud of you for realizing you can’t change him. His behavior has nothing to do with you – it’s just who he is. He may have some other great attributes that make him a keeper or he just might not be the right one. It… Read more »
So, my brother he Is really rude to me, he tells me stuff that makes me feel bad. One time, he said, ” You need therapy, your crazy”, and I said I do need therapy don’t I? And I said, ” Oh, I already have a therapist”. I smiled then he got mad because I wasn’t upset. They want to see you hurt, just agree and they will look dumb.
I read this article and I had the courage thank you!
So proud of you!! Well done! Thanks for sharing!
Thanks for this message I really needed this today!
So glad it helped!!
I’m glad you mentioned to don’t let others steal your joy. I used to walk on eggshells around the other person when they were angry so that they wouldn’t get angrier. It was if I thought they had the upper hand. How dumb.
Hi Linda! Not dumb – human!! Thanks for sharing!
Yes, love this article. Good thoughts and inspiring!!
Thanks so much!!!
Thank you for your thoughts within this article—as I was looking for something encouraging to read. I am dealing with a seriously ill loved one now in the hospital—who when I reached out to him responded by telling me that he is “dealing with a lot of stuff and did not need to be upset (I guess by me, was the implication). I assured him that I understood. But really, I didn’t. As a family member, I really just wanted to be there for him, but I suppose he did not want that from me. It was a bit hurtful—as… Read more »
I’m so sorry that happened! I think you did the right thing by trying to be there for him and respecting his wishes. Try not to take his comment personally – he might have meant it in general terms, not specifically about you. Maybe he doesn’t want people to visit and see him this way (being in the hospital stinks and you feel so vulnerable). He also may be in a lot of pain or under the influence of some drugs they are giving him. Expect nothing and give whatever you feel is appropriate – that’s the best way to… Read more »
By the way you have described it, sounds as though your interactions together may not be pleasant from his perspective. If neither of you end up reasonably upset afterwards then he might have been hiding that whatever you have been bringing to table during those times was unwanted. Because as the Author stated, he cant change you. It also is difficult notice our own invasive behavior others are faced with, being that we dont see ourselves as others do and when we do, its a short brief period in front of the mirror to check our physical appearance. Just abide… Read more »
Nice piece.
Kenny, thanks so much!!
Simple rules to remember. Thank you!
Thanks for reading!
Hi, Good read, I am mentally and emotionally tormented bcz of a b*tch. Out of sight out of mind they say, but I have to co-exist with that b*tch, so how? I will be seeing her/ her stuff so often, I just cant take it, and I can’t fake it when I hate someone. I hope I can be strong enough to ignore her, having to co-exist with her just drains me/ my energy. The fact that she has the privilege to gloat makes me even more pissed, to see her gloat. I am worn-out, drained, seriously. Anyhow, thanks for… Read more »
Hi Reeze! So glad you liked the article – thanks for commenting! Ugh – I am soooo sorry you are going through this! I’m not good at faking it either, so I can totally relate. Sounds like you’re doing everything I would recommend. And if you get desperate, there’s always sarcasm – even if you just say it to yourself. I will say that anyone who gloats over anything desperately craves approval – try to remind yourself of that. Good luck, and keep being you!!!
Some kind of way I have neighbors who listen to my every word recording me and the family in my home/computer/cellphone etc. and then use the information against me. I’m in no contact talking with neighbors. What I’m I to do about this problem?
Hi! I wish I could help! I have no idea how they are recording you, so I can’t think of any way to help. But it seems there must be some way to stop that from happening? The only idea I have is from time to time you say things to completely confuse them. I wish I had better advice to give!
Turn the music up, sound off loud alarms so much, or scream at random times so that it startles them and makes them back off of listening to you.
This is a wonderful article; thank you so much.
I have been struggling with my anger towards my husband, and you helped me immensely.
I’m so glad!! Thanks for taking the time to let me know!
I have a neighbor who I can’t get rid of her I am so terrified of her she is the type that can manipulate others into harming you by saying bad things that can get you hurt..I am afraid of her and I can’t seem to get away from her. What can I do where it won’t cause anymore drama then it already is…I need someone’s advice and how I can just stay far far away that she would let me be..I want safe advice please let me know
Hi! I wish I could help! I think all you can do is smile and try to look busy. Maybe pretend to be talking on the phone as you come and go. It’s hard to always avoid neighbors, but you could try changing your schedule. Or if you live in an apartment, maybe ask to be moved to another unit far away from her? Or maybe if you have some nice neighbors you could ask them to look out for you? Not mentioning this lady specifically – just saying sometimes you are nervous? Wish I could help more – it’s… Read more »
Get a PFA/ restraining order against her.
I like this article a lot! I am trying to look into this and see if any of the advice given will help me grow tougher skin. I’ve been through a lot, but I am still extremely sensitive and even the slightest insult will bother me because I am extremely insecure. I know people are harsh and I taught myself that but still the slightest insults about my plumper body make me want to curl up into a corner and bawl. Any advice for growing thicker skin?
Thanks, Dana! So glad you liked the article! I’m so sorry that people say stupid things!! Unfortunately people have been saying stupid things since the dawn of time and as long as they can speak, they will keep saying stupid things. The best thing you can do to build up your self esteem is set some goals and achieve them. The goals could involve anything that appeals to you – saving a certain amount of money or reading a certain number of books. They could be growing a garden or starting a blog. Anything that interests you. As you achieve… Read more »
I like this article. I have a friend who is also my co worker and my room mate. Only when I started to love with her I noticed that she is super defensive and always wants to be right.She can never apologize and it seems like she always has reasons/escuses for everything she says. ts like being with a tough wall. Even before making a joke about her I have to think twice as I know she would be defensive in a second. i even spoke about this to her because it was draining my energy by overthinking. She said… Read more »
Hi! Oh, I am so sorry! Being around someone 24/7 is very hard – you really get to know them, not just their good side. Good for you for trying to talk with her about how her behavior makes you feel. Sometimes when people behave like she does, it’s because deep inside they are insecure. But that doesn’t make living with them any easier! Assume she won’t change and see if you can expand your friend circle more so she won’t bother you so much. It’s so challenging that you both live and work with her! It’s like many things… Read more »
normally i never read till the end and if i did, i skip, but this article, i am gonna print it and stick it at my work place and at home. absolutely well written.
Thanks! You made my day!!
Well said! I needed to hear that! Thank you for your insight. Clarity. I had to clarify and strengthen my resolve. So often I get swept away by the current events. It’s just the matter. Not the flow. Don’t be the clog! God bless and thanks for how you living.
I’m so glad you liked this! Thanks for taking the time to comment!
Everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.
I appreciate this write up.
Thanks, John! I am a fan of the KISS principle – Keep It Simple Sweetheart.
Hi, I am here again. Whenever I am feeling down or upset because of people’s behaviour towards me, your article will give me the comfort. I would feel better after reading it. Anyway, this time is regarding the same colleague again. Recently, I had asked her something about work. However, I was appalled by her rude and cold reply. When this happened, a few people were also present so it was also kind of an embarassing situation for me. In the end, I just walked away quietly. I thought perhaps when I had asked her about that matter, she was… Read more »
Hi SP! I’m so glad you find the article helpful – I admit I have to read it again sometimes myself! I really am sorry you’re going through this. I think anyone would find your co-worker’s behavior confusing and upsetting. Texting you to see how you’re doing and then being rude to you at work is just, well, weird. I read something the other day that may help. It was a study that said most people like us more than we think they do AND most people are paying less attention to us than we think they are. So let’s… Read more »
Hi Denise, I like to share that this colleague and I are no longer in talking terms. Things had happened during the past few months that resulted in this. Unfortunately… In March this year, I was being asked by my manager to mentor a new staff who had joined our department. However about 1 month later, the new staff feedbacked to my manager and also to our director that she felt stressful during the process when I was teaching her. She had also wanted to resign. In fact, the front counter became very short handed after 2 staffs had resigned… Read more »
Hi SP! I am so very sorry you’re going through all this! But I am really impressed with how you’ve handled it – remaining professional and helpful despite all odds! I also think you have a lot of insight into why M behaves this way. I think you’ve chosen the best course of action (staying away from her as much as possible and not expecting her to change – focusing on your work and not worrying about what she’s doing). It does seem there are some problems with the leadership at your organization (thus the high turnover), so know you’re… Read more »
Hi Denise, thank you for your words of encouragement. I am trying to hang on to this current job as long as I could. It is getting more and more tough here, especially after yet another counter colleague left. Now its only left with 3 people serving counter. Besides that, there has been a new manager who had joined for 3 months already. Unfortunately, she does not seem to understand the dire situation which the 3 of us are facing and think that just us can cope with the stress. As for the colleague M, on this particular day she… Read more »
Hi SP! I’m so sorry to hear about your health issues – those are hard to deal with, especially with all the stress you’ve been under. Try to remind yourself that all you can do is your best (which you have definitely been doing!). And I am glad to hear that your co-worker apologized to you. I do think you’re wise to be careful with her – just expect very little and you won’t be disappointed. If she is at least decent to you – yay! If she goes back to her old behavior, it won’t hurt as much. Just… Read more »
Hi Denise, actually M only apologised for asking me personal questions that day. She did not apologise to me on her past behaviours and actions. I also believe she did not feel apologetic regarding the past incidents, as she does not treat me as a friend at all. In my previous message, I shared about another colleague W which was very close to her. Even though W had already left the organisation, sometimes I still can’t help but think about the reason behind the sudden change in her attitude towards me. I suspect most likely got something to do with… Read more »
Oh – sorry for my misunderstanding. Glad to hear you have another positive colleague – yay! And here’s to a terrific 2023! Spend time with this new friend and do your best to forget about M (although I know it’s hard). Happy, happy 2023!
I like the article but you know there’s also time when a lazy employee affects your work too. It may be because you are stuck to work as a team and your hard work is shared among everyone who even didn’t do much effect to deserve it, conflicting opinions because the lazy mind and the productive mind cannot get along to make a productive decision, and lastly the other person attacks your efforts by making you feel like you are not doing enough. At the end it really isn’t your issue but when it’s mandatory to work together then issue… Read more »
Hi Albert! Thanks for your comment! And I agree 100%. It’s not simple. And really as you see from all the comments, this is far from simple in most circumstances. That said, the only choices you have in the situation you mention are 1) continue to work hard and carry the rest of the team, taking pride in your own work and not worrying about what those losers are doing; 2) work less hard, match their level of work; 3) look for another position/job with a better team (everyone wants to hire great people right now). But showing up everyday… Read more »
I love this. Growing up people, no matter who they are, always say things that I hate and don’t like and it hurts me too much. I always have painful memories of words. I hate lots of things about people
I’m so sorry, Sekou! People can be the worst, but they can also be the best. Don’t give up and don’t let the bad ones dim your light!
Thank you, this is a very good article. I have someone in my life who likes to make passive aggressive comments and blame me for things that aren’t my fault. They are far from bad but they get really angry and ignore me when I tell them I don’t like what they are doing. I do a lot to keep things okay but I just can’t stay silent when they do these things. It may seem minor but it feels so uncesscary and I wish i can escape it but can’t
I’m so glad you liked the article! Nothing that causes you pain is minor! Some people can’t/won’t accept responsibility for their own actions. They hurt others, but don’t seem to care or listen when it is brought up to them. It sounds like this person takes it even further by getting angry at you when you express your feelings! I don’t know your situation, but I hope you’ll try to spend less time with this person. Over time, being around them might make you doubt yourself. People that make you feel bad and don’t listen to you = people you… Read more »
Thank you I really appreciate this solid advice. It’s really helpful☺
❤️❤️❤️
Thank you soo much for this article , I am constantly trying to change others, or fix them and any thing someone says or does effects me soo emotionally, have been living this way for as long as I can remember , just been getting worse lately .
I have a teen daughter and husband that constantly effects my mind and emotional well-being and have no idea on how to let it go , I saw the reference to some books to read up on it and am soo gonna see if those help .
Tammy, I’m so glad you liked it. And thanks for taking the time to comment! I think this is the hardest thing in the world to do – especially for people like you (givers). I know you try to change others or fix them out of love, but it never works and depletes you. Read the books and try your hardest to focus on YOU. Do what YOU need, what will make YOU happy. I know it will seem selfish at first, but I promise, it is the path to happiness. Give only what brings you joy to give (assume… Read more »
Thanks so much for this eye opening article. My husband is 64 and shouts at me and sometimes is violent pushing me to the ground etc. he is in a bad mood most days. We have no fun. He is a narcissist. My dad is old and frail and he is manipulative trying to get me to do everything for him but I found out recently after a year of doing everything for him that he can do things for himself and has been lazy and pretending to be unable to clean his house and do shopping. My neighbours put… Read more »
Hi Ali! I am so, so sorry you’ve had so many people treat you poorly! If this article has helped, I’m thrilled. You deserve so much better! I hope you’re able to get away from your abusive hubby, step back from your manipulative father, and find a good friend who listens. The first step in finding good people is making space for them, by spending less time with the bad ones. Good luck, dear Ali!!
I have a friend that keeps manipulating my feelings
She keeps standing on her wrong and never apologizes
She gets mad at you even when she’s wrong
She’s someone I care about and don’t want to let go of
So sad to hear that!! It sounds like she’s not really your friend – or at least doesn’t have much to give. Hope you stay open to meeting someone who can be a true friend – they are worth their weight in gold!
Wow
This helped me
Thank you
So glad, Isabella! Thanks so much for letting me know!
What a great read. Thank you so much for posting this article and for all of the thoughtful responses to each of the commenters. You are Amazing! I’m low contact with my parents bc it’s so toxic and it’s been such a breathe of fresh air having the space from them to enjoy my life. I’m very close with my in laws. I love and care about my mother in law to the point that I donated my kidney when she needed it. She has treated me so well from the moment we met and I want her around for… Read more »
Thanks, Angie! I’m so glad you found it helpful! I’m so proud of you for the approach you’ve taken with your parents – sometimes that’s what you have to do regardless of who the people are. And wow – I think you are the amazing one! What a gift to give to your mother-in-law! Ugh – hate to hear that about your father-in-law. But it sounds like you are doing the best you can – giving as much as possible to your mother-in-law without letting him impact you too much. It’s a shame she’s stayed with him all these years-… Read more »
Me and my friend have been friends for like four months now. At first I saw her as a bubbly, smart girl who just loves music and gets excited over small things. But nowadays, she always tries to criticize people around her. She doesn’t compliment or say assuring stuff when I ask for validation but she asks for my opinion on her looks from time to time. She has told me that she doesn’t care if she hurts other people cause of her opinions. And that she thinks the people who aren’t good to her are jealous of her. I… Read more »
Thanks for your comment and sharing your thoughts. Often people look perfect in the beginning and as we get to know them better, well, we get to know them better. I don’t know that you’re being a bad friend, I think you’re in the process of learning who she really is and seeing if you want to be her friend. If she really doesn’t care if she hurts people with her opinions, she may not be good friend material. Here’s my best advice – if you have fun with her and feel better most of the time when you’re with… Read more »
I got super stressed out and angry when i fought with my neighbour…and she has been very rude…telling all other neighbours how bad i am and badmouthing about me. Being an introvert, leave picking up fights, i hardly speak to the neighbours 🙁
But…i think people will do what they do…i need to ignore such bitches
Ignoring bitches is ALWAYS the best policy. But don’t let one neighbor turn you off all the others. Blast them with a big smile and a greeting every time you see them – they may mistake your introversion for distain. I always wave at my neighbors – regardless of their response, it makes me feel better. I’m determined to travel in joy. And I’m surprised by how many of them later thank me for making their day. Ha! Imagine that! Thanks for the comment, Deepti! And good luck!!
This has happened like 25 times by now and it really helped.
Glad it helped!!