How to Stop Letting Other People Upset You
It happens to the best of us. We find ourselves completely undone by someone else’s behavior. It could be anything from someone cutting you off in traffic to your spouse cheating on you. Mild to severe, other people’s actions can turn our world upside down.
I recently let myself get all caught up in someone else’s drama. My boyfriend’s daughter was behaving in some ways I found unacceptable. He was trying to rein her in; she was acting out more and more; we all went to counseling (I can’t tell you how many arguments, sleepless nights, and general fury on my part all this caused). Suddenly, she decided to move in with her mother. As soon as she moved, poof – there was peace on earth. No more drama, angst, or fury. Is she still doing all the stuff we had problems with? I’m sure. But now it’s not my issue. And you know what? It never was.
Most of the things that you get upset about aren’t your issues. The driver who cut you off? Their driving is not your issue. All you need to worry about is getting safely to your destination. That lazy co-worker who isn’t doing their share of the work? Not your issue. All you need to do is focus on your own good work. Your cheating spouse? Not your issue. Your issue is why you would stay with someone who is cheating on you.
Some tips to help with this:
1. Realize you cannot control other people. They are going to do the crazy, stupid, incorrect things they are going to do. You can’t force them to do anything else. You can’t force someone to stop being lazy or lying to you or cheating on you. The only person you can control is you. You get to decide how much you’re going to let this person’s behavior impact you. Your worrying, obsessing, venting, etc. has zero impact on them – and only hurts you.
2. You have three choices – change your thinking, change your behavior, or do nothing. My boyfriend is not a planner – it’s just not his way. This used to drive me completely insane. I would constantly argue the importance of planning – that if you failed to plan, you planned to fail. I was quick to point out occasions where his lack of planning cost him (I’m such a charmer!). He finally told me that if I liked planning so much, I could just plan everything and he would gladly go along. I finally accepted that I was never going to change him. I can either live with no plan (changing how I think about planning), make the plan myself (changing my behavior), find a new boyfriend (also changing my behavior) or just keep complaining about it. But I’ll never make him a planner.
3. Examine your role in the behavior. Did the driver ahead of you cut you off because you just started talking on your cell and slowed 20 MPH? Did your teenager lie to you because the last time he told you the truth he was grounded? Is your spouse cheating because you are on the road 358 days a year? I’m not condoning any of the behaviors – I’m just asking you to look at the only person you can control – you. Maybe you are playing a role and not even realizing it.
4. But realize it may have absolutely nothing to do with you. I hate to say it, but this is more often the case. We are all the center of our own universes. Many times we think people are doing things because of us or to us and they aren’t. The driver may not have even seen you. Your teenager may lie just because he doesn’t want to be embarrassed. Your spouse may be cheating for the thrill of it and still loves you (although they have a crummy way of showing it).
5. Don’t inadvertently enable the behavior. Some people engage in their crazy behavior because the people around them encourage it. If your spouse cheats on you, and you take them back and treat them better than before, can you blame them if they cheat again? If your friend “borrows” money from you, and never repays it and you lend them more, can you blame them if they never repay that loan either? I love Maya Angelou’s advice, “The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them.” I know you don’t think you’re enabling, you think you’re helping. You think they will behave differently this time, that perhaps your love or kindness will change them. I say to you – why are you trying to control them still? Trying to change someone is trying to control them.
6. Let it go. Think of whoever drives you crazy right now. Get worked up – think of how they lie to you or how they don’t do their share or how selfish they are – whatever it is they are doing that drives you crazy. Assume they will never change. Ever. Can you just let it go? Is it really a minor thing you’ve been focusing on, making it major? In the big scheme of things, my boyfriend’s nonplanning is just not that big a deal. It’s offset by his kindness, patience, and wonderful good humor. Can you focus on the good more than the bad?
7. Let them go. Some behavior you just can’t let go of. Sometimes there’s not enough good to offset the bad. The best thing to do may be to let go of the relationship. Why are you staying with someone who causes you so much upset and pain? If you can’t let go of the relationship (say it’s a co-worker), can you let go of thinking so much about them? I bet they aren’t spending so much time thinking about you.
8. Get help. Can’t let it go or them? Talk with a professional counselor – life is too short for all this drama.
9. What about kids? Obviously when kids are little, you have to control them. They might think running into traffic is a good idea and you should probably put a stop to that. But as they get older, you’ll find that you need to alter your behavior to impact theirs. Maybe they start to dress inappropriately. You have several options – you can check out current fashion before you freak; you can yell and tell them they’re not going out like that (giving credibility to their attempt at rebellion); you can cut off the clothing allowance (controlling your behavior not theirs); or you can ignore it, knowing that sooner or later they will be embarrassed just like the rest of us and will fall in line. And if you are sharing clothing with your children, know that the rest of us are trying to let it go.
The bottom line is that you can’t let the behavior of others steal your joy. But if you do, it’s your choice. Focus on being the best and happiest that you can be – that’s where your energy should go. Set the best example you can and spend time and energy on people who lift you higher. And remember, somewhere there’s someone out there who thinks YOU need to change! Ha!
I’m in a quandary regarding my son and his business partner. At one time we were all very close and this man was his best friend. Now there’s a lot of discussion about only the wrong things my son does (not saying he doesn’t mess up sometimes.). We think this person is trying to distance himself but we are unsure of how to go about a discussion with him, these frequently just turn into finger pointing. I’ve been unfriended and blocked on social media after a discussion about something I read in a post and he told me in a… Read more »
Hi Diana! Thanks so much for sharing! I guess my first question is are you part of the business? And maybe you are, I don’t know. If you are a major investor or on the Board, my answer would be different. But if not, and your son is a grown man, he needs to handle all this with his business partner himself. If the business partner has unfriended and blocked you on social media, I think it’s clear he wants you to leave him alone. Remember, you can’t control other people – only you. Honor his wishes and let him… Read more »
Wow, I searched for this exact topic after getn upset,and I say, this is the best article so far…,I get upset a lot and I dislike that I get upset,and perhaps hurting their feelings with my upsetting words,I feel awful by hurting them unintentionally , cause it makes them pass the anger around thereby hurting others. Hhonestly I am scared to go into a relationship,cause of this issue,I want the words of my mouth bring peace and rest of mind…and for the solution I so much seek, I’ll put all these into practice…
Thanks for helping
Thanks so much, Jean! It makes my day to hear that this helped! It sounds like you are a really kind person – do you think you might be too hard on yourself? Thanks so much for your comment and good luck!!
Hi again ! What to do if your father is toxic ? I’ve recently moved from the adjective “negative” to “toxic”. I’ve two elder siblings we all love each other.. we love dad also and he loves us too.. but i feel there’s something wrong in his personality or the way he conducts himself. He’s stubborn and short tempered. No one can say no to whatever he says. And he doesn’t understand anyone anything in front of himself. Not even mom ! The problem lies there when he expects others to understand him but he makes no effort to understand… Read more »
Hi Tanya! So sorry to hear about this! But you can probably guess what I’m going to say – you can only change you, not your Dad. So assuming he doesn’t change, what do you want to do with this? Sounds like you can’t leave the situation, although your father can’t keep you from getting a job and saving your money, so maybe someday you can get your own place. But for now, all you can do is stop expecting him to change and ask what you can do to make it bearable. Can you leave the room when he’s… Read more »
Great article and very helpful. Thank you ! Sometimes you just need to relate and read something like this to get yourself out of a funk. Was in a toxic relationship recently and broke it off. Been doing much better since, unfortunately said toxic person still harasses me (4 months later). After some time, 6 blocked facebook accounts, 22 phone numbers, a youtube account and an email; I have come to terms with the situation. hahah Can’t steal my joy !
Hi Dan! Thanks so much for commenting! I’m so glad you liked the article! Holy smokes – you had a tiger by the tail! So glad you are extricating yourself. Anyone that would do all that is clearly bananas and you are WAY better off without them. Stay strong – if you give them anything (even tell them to drop dead), they will keep clinging like a spider monkey! Stay strong and joyful!!!!
My boss is very hard to work with. she schedules lots of meetings where she simply asks us ‘how is this task going’ or ‘how is that task going’. i don’t mind giving status, but i would prefer a weekly written report that i can take my time to research and prepare. if i’m working on something time-sensitive, i could see her checking in daily via email, and i would provide details (i’m 50% done and expect to meet the deadline. in fact, i would give that status freely without her asking). what i find difficult is responding on the… Read more »
Hi Maggie! I’m so sorry you are going through this! Thanks so much for commenting – I bet a lot of people are going through something similar right now. And I’m pretty sure I have an idea of what is happening. I do a lot of work with different communication styles and by reading this, I’m guessing you are a thinker/analyzer. Detail oriented, perhaps an introvert and your boss might be a director/controller or a socializer/promoter. I’m not sure – director/controllers like control, but they aren’t big on wasting time, so I can’t choose. Either way, she’s trying to figure… Read more »
Thanks Denise – I can’t believe how much better I felt today after getting all of that off my chest last night! I think you’re right that my Boss has good intentions. She does say that these daily meetings are meant to build teamwork. It’s too bad she spends so much of our time on this, and the team doesn’t appreciate it. One of the things I’ve taken from your advice is to stop reacting to her as though she’s trying to hurt me. Like you say, no matter what she says to me, I CAN control how I react.… Read more »
Hi Maggie! You sound a lot better – yay! Don’t take those rejections personally – it’s a crazy, crazy time to look for work right now. And you may be right – they might have been just checking a block. But maybe you can make the current gig work – it sounds like you have some compassion for your boss – which she really might need right now. Think of all the bad energy directed at her, and she’s probably feeling completely overwhelmed by trying to manage a team so different from her AND do it virtually! Great insight that… Read more »
Was in a very toxic living situation for a year that almost killed me quite literally. The person I was living with was sociopathic and left me and the animals in his care to die in a house without air conditioning and a usable toilet. My family is also a source of enmity. I lost a brother to suicide (who I found) 5 years ago, he was 29. My biological brother who is living has helped me tremendously but has a martyr complex and psychologically abuses me by offering me help and then using said help as leverage. My biological… Read more »
Hi Lang! Thanks so much for sharing (and don’t be sorry – rant all you want!). Wow – to say you have a lot going on would be the understatement of the year! I’m so very sorry for the many things that have happened to you. That you still have a hopeful, positive outlook is a great credit to you. You also seem incredibly self-aware. I’m so glad this article helped – and I’m sure you noticed if you looked through all the comments that much of our pain comes from trying to get something from others they don’t want… Read more »
I found this article while looking for help with dealing with my anger towards my stepdaughter. She has lived with my husband and myself for 13 years now and it’s been nothing but trouble all these years. I’ve never met someone so unmotivated in my life. Myself being a striving, a person who digs in and gets things done, has a hard time understanding someone like her. Every imaginable issue has presented itself with her. I’m exhausted, frustrated and ready to give up. Her poor behavior over the years has affected her younger brother as well. We are constantly spending… Read more »
Thanks so much for sharing! I’m so very sorry you are going through this – I know it’s frustrating and exhausting. It sounds like you all have done everything you can. At some point, she may need to be forced out on her own (I have no idea how old she is). Baby birds sometimes have to be pushed out of the nest to learn to fly. I tell myself all the time – “I can’t want more for someone than they want for themselves.” Give only what you can with no expectations and focus on taking care of you.… Read more »
I dealing with a strong desire to convince a frient that a certain substance she claims she is using will not prevent COVID-19 and in fact may cause her harm.
Hi Robert! Ah – tough situation indeed! Good for you for caring about your friend! I’m assuming you are both fully functioning adults and neither of you is a medical professional for this response. Let’s use a less emotional example for clarity (that often helps me). Let’s say your friend is quite overweight and loves sweets. If she continues to eat sweets, she could develop diabetes and perhaps serious heart issues (647,000 people die of heart disease in the US annually). Do you try to convince her to stop eating sweets? If your answer is no, then I would question… Read more »
My problem with all of this is how do you choose to not let it effectively ruin your life when the wife or husband may never stop completely doting you over something you didn’t do or didn’t mean to do and they just won’t believe you didn’t . And then I know it’s issues from her childhood that is surfacing .and it’s not me doing it but hurt from childhood by I keri getting called a liar and claims of me doing things I never did . If I say I didn’t do It I get called a liar .… Read more »
Hi Joe! Thanks for the comment! I’m so sorry you’re going through this! My first suggestion is marriage counseling – bring in a pro who can listen to both of you and help you work through this. If your spouse has some issues from her past, she needs to deal with them so they don’t continue to poison her present. And a non-biased, trained pro needs to work you both through rebuilding trust. So that should be step one – you need to do everything you can to make that happen and then fully participate in the process. If you… Read more »
Thank you, this article helped me a bit. My dad calls me mean, and that really hurts me because if I am mean that what will happen if I get in a relationship later in life? (I’m 16 btw). I’m afraid that if I let my guard down and let “my true colors” out that it will hurt the people around me or make them break up with me. I’ve noticed that a lot of my anger day to day comes from little things; like today it was because my sister didn’t take her clothes out of the dryer even… Read more »
Hi Sarah! Thanks so much for reading and for your comment! I have to say that you seem to have a lot of awareness about yourself and others for someone who is only 16! Seriously – that’s awesome! I have some ideas to share with you that might help. I bet your parents are under a lot of stress right now with everything going on in the world, so forgive them if they seem a bit freaked out. They might be worried about their jobs or your future and little things are setting them off. And this is going to… Read more »
A really helpful article, thank you.
Thank you!!
This is really mind blowing… Thank you
Thanks, Debby! Hope it helped!!
“The bottom line is that you can’t let the behavior of others steal your joy. But if you do, it’s your choice.”
Yes, let’s just throw mental illness completely out the window. Absolutely ridiculous. You honestly believe that every emotion everyone experiences is a choice? Have you heard of Bi-Polar Disorder? This is one of the many reasons why suicide rates are getting higher and higher.
Hi Christopher – wow! Okay, so you are a bit angry. This was never intended as advice for people with mental illness and was not offered as such. Do I believe that people who do not have mental illness have some control over their emotions and reactions? Yes, I do. You’ll also see where I state that if you can’t let something go, talk with a professional counselor. If you are looking for resources for people with bi-polar disorder, check out the National Institute of Mental Health’s website.
Hey ! Loved your article. Me and my bf are together for 5 years now. We’ve gone through number of break ups because I’m short tempered and way too straightforward. He on the other hand is very calm and mature. He never gives up on me. I used to be very ambitious when we first met but now all I think is about him, my future with him, whether we’ll be able convince our parents or not etc etc. We are college graduates and now we’re hunting for jobs and I should strictly focus on my career right now. He… Read more »
Hi Tanya! So sorry it took me a while to respond – but please see my response to your earlier comment. Sorry for the delay!
Denise
Thank you so much! I will be reading this daily. I’ve been searching, learning and meditating trying to fix these issues: 1.How do I deal with toxic family members? 2. I feel like people’s actions and words bother me so much until I feel like my head hurts. Simple things such as , my aunty questioning why I am not married yet? My aunt is very toxic I feel like everything about her makes me angry or my boyfriend saying things like as a man I can’t marry someone who doesn’t know how to cook or who doesn’t do this… Read more »
Hi Coco! I’m so glad you liked the article – thanks for taking the time to comment! Let me try to help. Remember, my theory is the only person you can really change is you. So let’s start with your Aunt. Maybe she thinks you are young and gorgeous and a real catch and she doesn’t mean to hurt your feelings when she asks that. She just thinks women should be married, so she asks. She’s insensitive, but you can let that go. Just smile and say “It’s one of life’s great mysteries.” Or however you want to respond. People… Read more »
Shelley
I let a co-worker get under my skin as they are lazy.
I let it bother me before I start my shift as Im a good worker and to see them being slack really gets to me.
But in not anymore, their not doing to me it’s who They are.
Shelley!!! Woohoo! You are my star student!! You keep doing you and rocking your shift! So proud of you!!
So, I have this guy best friend who also has a thing for me. And eventhough I really care about him and we spend allot of time together (we live in the same house) I can’t stand his way of going about issues. If there is something he dislikes about a situation, no matter how minor, he gives a very excessively aggressive reaction. This has happened numerous times. I have talked to him all those times and we got out of it, but every 4 weeks or so it happened again. Now the thing that makes it difficult to let… Read more »
Ah – people are so complicated! It’s hard to know exactly what’s going on in his head, but it’s got to be frustrating for him to be so close to you and have feelings for you that are not reciprocated. So his displays of temper might be linked to his frustration over that (he might even be feeling like he gets mixed signals from you. I know, you think that’s crazy! But in my experience, sometimes guys think women who just want to be friends are actually attracted to them). So it’s hard for me to say if that’s a… Read more »
Hey ! Wonderful article. Me and my bf are together for around 5 years now. It’s struggle time for us as we are done with our colleges and now preparing for government services. We both want to be a bureaucrat, which requires a ton of sweats and hard work. Earlier, I was very ambitious but now I feel I’ve lost my fire and energy and I constantly think about us and our relationship. I don’t study and I don’t let him study too. We’ve had several fights and break ups because he kinda started ignoring me. We hardly meet because… Read more »
Hi Tanya! You are so not alone! If I could hug every young woman who gave up her dreams for a young man……well, I’d do a lot of hugging! It sounds like you have a great deal of insight – bravo for you! You recognize that you are focusing way too much on him and are losing yourself. The sad thing is that can kill any relationship – you wind up pushing away the very thing you want! I read this and see that you already know some of the things I would suggest – building up your support system,… Read more »
my mother is a very short-tempered lady, she through her actions and words hurt me and my other family members but i am the most affected by it and can’t resist crying or being upset and most importantly i can’t even break up with her but every other i am in a position to cry because of her , i tries talking to her and she doesn’t accept her fault even if she does . she repeats it the next day. how should i cope with this? Please Help.
Hi Roshni! Oh no – I am so very sorry! Parental relationships are the hardest sometimes – there is so much emotion there. I think you have to assume that she won’t change (not saying her behavior is right or fair in anyway), but every time you go to her and expect her to be different, you are setting yourself up for more heartbreak. So, given that you can only change yourself – you can work on not letting what she does impact you so much (it says everything about her and nothing about you) or you can limit the… Read more »
My friend is making me feel anxious. i dont like his behaviour commenting on my personal life choices. Even i dont want him to interfere my life. If i break friendship with him he is warm headed and will create problem for me in college. He always has attitude thats makes me feel uncomfortable.he gets angry over small things and i dont share the same opinions as him. I have to pretend that i am okay, bcoz if i tell him abt how he makes me feel his ego will get hurt and he will behave differently . this will… Read more »
Hi Akshay! I am so sorry you are going through this! It sounds like this person really isn’t your friend. I’m worried he might actually be abusive toward you. I think you should be careful and maybe try to slowly limit the amount of time you spend with him – maybe say you really need to study or make other excuses. I want your college experience to be wonderful, not fearful. You deserve friends who make you feel safe and supported. If you feel uncomfortable around him, that’s a big red flag. I hope you can ease him out of… Read more »
My problem is that my friend? constantly brings up the same problems that she can’t change and I can’t listen to them anymore. I worried that I might lose my temper. I have asked her not to talk to me about this subject anymore, she says OK hon but the very next day starts again. How can I get through to her that this subject is upsetting me and I can’t hear it anymore.
Hi Vera! Oh, this is a tough one. Here’s are your choices – you can only control you, not her. So you can 1) decide her friendship is worth listening to all this and stop expecting her to change, 2) you can walk away, hang up, stop texting, etc. whenever she brings up the topic, or 3) you can step away from the friendship. But you cannot force her to do anything. I think if your friendship was important to her, she would respect your wishes and stop talking about it. Good luck, my dear!!
My husband is not romantic and I m pretty romantic. Is it possible to come to a happy median by communicating or by other means?
Hi Priya! Sure! I’d say by asking exactly for what you want. Of course, assume the best – that he loves you and wants to make you happy – he just doesn’t know what’s going on in your mind. Maybe he thinks running an errand for you is romantic, but you’d prefer he bring you flowers. You might read The Five Love Languages – it might give you more insight. Hope that helps! Good luck and thanks so much for your comment!
thank you for sharing some advice/insight, I love the Maya Angelou quote!
Thanks so much!
God bless you for writing this article! I lack self confidence and I’m also very giving. Some people take advantage of me, my time, my money, my skills (mostly family and friends) and when I mess up, it’s the end of the world for them (and myself) and I start to feel unworthy. But this article taught me how I can control the time, energy, and effort I choose to give to the users in my life.
Awww! You made my day! So glad it helped!!
This just made my life a little simpler I hope I read this everyday to actually make an effort to make my life better.
This is really a huge help!!! Thanks a ton
Yay! Thanks, Kiran!!
Thank you so much because ever since I grew up I ‘ve been living a lie ,just to impress other people .I tried to control my so -called friends and that leaved me with heart breaks.Thank you so much because from now on am not gonna let anyone still my joy.
Woohoo!!!! It makes my day to read this! I’m so proud of you! And the best part – when you are being your real self, you’ll attract the right friends! Your joy will attract other joyful people! Shine on, my friend!!
i am have problem on the school with a fourth grade she is in middle school and am in high school my last year i have been have a problem with this girl. I have to see in the front seat. i was told by the bus driver to sit in the first seat. what i am i suppose to do if she keep on and the bus driver wont let you explain what is going on. i was yelling
Hi! Sounds like you are almost out of school and this situation won’t last long. Best thing to do – sit in the front seat like you are the king/queen of the bus! I know it seems crazy but in less than a year you’ll be on to bigger things and you won’t think twice about the bus, the driver or the fourth grader. That bus driver will be stuck driving that bus for years to come and you’ll be rocking life! Stay cool and this will be over before you know it! Good luck!!
thank you this was helpful
So glad!!! Thank you!
It is one of the best things I’ve ever read. This has had a very deep impact on me and I have realised how much I want to control others behaviour. Well it’s time for me to change myself. This article helped a lot and I’ll definitely work on myself.
Thanks so much, Thrisha! You made my day!
You are a wonderful soul. Trust me I am crying everyday and counting my sleepless nights, just because my husband’s behaviour. He behaves like he know everything, and he is always right and never ever listen what others telling to say. He just want us to to as he says without questioning. Trust me, its hell.
But you given me some hopes. Thank you very much.
Jennifer, I wish I could find you and rescue you! Anyone who thinks they know everything clearly does not! Do not let this man steal your joy and self confidence! I hope you have some good friends who can remind you of who you are. Try to let him and what he thinks matter less – and you and what you think matter more. Good luck!!!!!
Any idea of how to ignore friends who continuously tease me about my crush?
Ah! I’m so sorry they are making you feel bad! I guess you could stop mentioning your crush to them, but if you can’t talk to your friends, well, maybe they aren’t very good friends? I’ll let you decide on that. If you want the teasing to stop and want to keep these friends, you could pretend you don’t have that crush anymore. Or you could just tease back and ask them why are they so jealous? I find that people stop teasing if their teasing doesn’t seem to bother you. Stay strong and good luck! (Haters gonna hate!)
I’m writing this with a tear because now I know why I am so miserable.Thank You…work to be done on me now!
Brett – thanks for your comment – hope those tears go away and you find the people who will make you smile! You deserve it!
I rarely comment, but thank you so much for writing this. I just spent a half sleepless night, my stomach in knots over a new manager. She is a bit of a bully, and doesn’t seem to have confidence in my abilities, it has really gotten under my skin. Well, no more! Thank you for sharing your insights that are so true. I can only change me. I am not going to let someone else still my joy.
Awww! Thank you so much! Very glad it helped! And she should be thrilled to have an employee that cares so much about their job!! Good luck, my friend!!!
I absolutely needed to hear this. Simple yet profound advice, thank you so much!
Thanks, Lindsey!!
And if there is someone out thee who thinks you need to change, just be yourself and let them let you go.
Great advice! Leaves you open to find the people who like you just the way you are! Now if everyone starts saying you need to change a bit….well, self-reflection never hurts! Thanks for the comment, Lorrie! 🙂
Great advice thank you for this wisdom!
Thanks, Khloe
Great Article. It helped me think more whether I should let them go or not. I am still thinking of whether to talk to a person who is/ was my friend . Is it good idea to talk to ?I tried before 3-4 time and she avoided me. Please advice
Hi! So glad you liked the article! If you want to try again – by all means, do so. But the best indicator of future behavior is past behavior, so I wouldn’t expect much. It might be better to reach out to someone else who would be glad to have your friendship. I think you deserve better. Good luck!!
Thank you for this..will be printing it as a reminder to myself. I get too caught up in people’s imperfections…probably to subconsciously mask my own. Toxic drama in other people’s lives not related to me also affects me. I obsess over why some people are so f*cked up and try to make meaning of it by overanalyzing and searching for answers online to diagnose them in my head. It drives me crazy. I lose hope in humanity. I despise people a lot. I focus on flaws rather than the good in people, even in the good people. I find flaws… Read more »
Hi Jessica! Thanks for your comment! Sounds like you absolutely get it and are very self-aware. I think we all do some of what you do, so don’t be too hard on yourself. I read an article recently that said most people like us more than we think. I think we’re all just muddling along, trying to find connection. So your advice to yourself is good for all of us – focus on the good (in people, situations, etc.) and stay open. The right people will like you and want to be part of your life and the wrong people?… Read more »
Love the article I really needed to here that I let people get to me all the time especially my coworkers im 46 a nurse for 17 years and i work with people that arent team players and it pisses me off because later that person needs me or help or has a question… I can honestly say I take it to far and will apologize when im wrong I hate when i go to 10 so quickly
Hi Monica! Thanks for the comment! First of all – thanks for being a nurse! One of the toughest jobs on the planet IMHO! I know it’s got to be hard – especially when you have so much knowledge and experience and everyone wants it. And you all are under so much stress already. This may sound random – but do you exercise or meditate? Get enough sleep? I find that all those things help me deal better with blockheads. And there’s always chocolate! There will always be uncaring, frustrating co-workers, but you have to take care of you! The… Read more »
hello, thank you so much for writing this article! I’m in sort of a sticky situation where whenever I am in a relationship with someone or have a partner, their behaviors/actions/words to me have such a deep impact on me that it will literally like consume me for days. My happiness and emotional well-being is basically contingent on others and how they treat me. I know this isn’t healthy and that I should have my own sense of inner happiness and self security that shouldn’t be controlled by other people. Of course it’s normal that your partner will affect your… Read more »
Hi Celeste! Thanks so much for the comment! I’m going to give you the secret for peace in a relationship (drum roll please!)…..find the right partner. Yep – it took me about 40 years to figure this out, so don’t feel bad! When you’re with the wrong person, they do things that make you obsess (being distant, not texting you back for hours, seeing you infrequently, not giving you the attention you wish you had, not wanting to make your relationship “official”). The right person is not distant, texts you back as soon as they can, sees you as much… Read more »
great article,Hello everyone,I am 46 old female, I am a nice kind, and very caring person, but everyone taking my kindness as granted include my boyfriend and my family,(8 brothers and sisters) since I was 17-18 i have been helping to my family from 10% to %100 such as buying them house, helping their kids colleges, and any unexpected things in their life, of course my family are competing with each other to get close to me, but at the same time I feel they are not appreciating my kindnesses, for example they become angry with me easily, I have… Read more »
Oh Mary! I wish I could jump in your body and stand up for you! We teach people how to treat us and if you keep giving them money and doing things for them when they treat you badly….well, you are rewarding their bad behavior! They aren’t treating you well because you aren’t treating you well! You deserve people who give you as much love, consideration and respect as you give them. What to do? Ultimately you have to decide, but here’s what I’d do – stop giving these people money! Are they going to take care of you when… Read more »
I live in a street where there are loads of kids and I have severe mental health issues and no children of my own. The kids in the street every day and night hang around outside my house screaming at the top of their lungs my partner is a lorry driver so needs rest and I tried talking to the parents also the police as they broke my trellis many times and it just gets worse people seem to think I’m being unreasonable but it’s really bothering me and upsets me in a big way how can I ignore this
Hi Tracey! I’m so sorry – I hate this for you! But I think you already know what’s not going to work. And by focusing on trying to get them to do what you want, you are making yourself miserable. So what can you do? Earplugs, headphones, heavy drapes, white noise machines. The more you yell and call the police, probably the more noise they will make. I know it’s not fair, and you shouldn’t have to do this, but you’ve tried everything else. Another option is moving. Again, I know, not fair. But all you can do is figure… Read more »
Thank you for writing this. I teach high school and I have a particular class that I end up dreading every day. They are so incredibly obnoxious and rude and it makes me question whether I want to be a teacher any more frankly. Not taking behavior personally is a big training piece that gets hit on time and time again, but as a teacher, I naturally wear my heart on my sleeves and try to make it so everyone is learning and growing. When those efforts are met with reciprocal effort or in this class’s case, out right disrespect,… Read more »
Hi Josh! I’m so sorry – that stinks!! And let’s face it – we do take our audience’s behavior personally – it’s human nature. So try to give yourself a break. I’m glad you’re getting some good support from other teachers. Keep doing things that you think are cool – and you may be surprised that you are actually reaching one or two – they just aren’t brave enough to show it. I always try to have a good time even if I have a tough audience – I consider that the best revenge. And I know I did my… Read more »
Thanks. I needed that.
My girlfriend and I have been living together for about 3-4 months. Everything is great except for one thing. We live in a side by side multi family home with no insulation in the walls or floors. The neighbors are continuously slamming things, banging into the walls and just having 0 regard for the fact that we can hear and feel (quite literally) everything they do. I’ve complained to the landlord a few times and he’s just been forwarding our complaints so nothing is really being done. I even had a conversation with the older son, who is the cause… Read more »
Oh Christopher! I am so, so sorry! Problems with neighbors are the worst! First, know you are not alone (check out Fear Thy Neighbor on the ID Channel – yikes!). Second – I’m glad there is light at the end of the tunnel! You can make it for 9 months!! I would focus on finding my new place – that will help – it will give you something to look forward to. Also – I want you know I’m not condoning their behavior in any way, but I accept the fact that you have done everything you can to get… Read more »
I am happily an available mom. The issue is that my daughter, now 16, has an issue of not allowing me to have a rhythm. Meaning I am getting ready for the day and she is not, she is blocking, talking, etc and i am unable to cook, shower, make calls, think of needs for self and her.Then we argue,then we take time to recover and try again. Now hungry but needing groceries so running on empty trying to function. If she hears me, sees me she engages me.. while I’m on phone, on way to bathroom, on way to… Read more »
Hi Jean! Let me first say that I’m not a professional counselor and after reading this I would strongly advise you to talk with one. It sounds to me like you have some serious boundary issues with your daughter. A counselor could help mediate. Your daughter is at the age where she needs to start pulling away. And you deserve respect. If you can’t take care of your personal needs, things are way over the top. I think it will be much easier to have a professional, objective third party help both of you. Good luck! I can tell you… Read more »
So I’m a 37 year-old male, I’m married, to a wonderful caring women that I truely, at this time in my life do not deserve. I have a 16yr old dramma Queen from a previous marriage and a 2yrold Lil princess from my marriage now. I have been battling a serious opiod addiction since I was 19-20yrs old. I have been in jails, institutions, and have even experienced death, from overdoses. I just started talking to a professional, not a psychiatrist, he tells me I need to start loving myself and and I stopped developing emotionally when I started using.… Read more »
Hi Scott! Wow – your wife sounds amazing! Good luck with the 16 year-old! It will get better but the next few years might be tough. Try to remind yourself how much being 16 sucks – she’s just taking out her teenage stuff on everyone else. I’m really glad you are working with a professional – hang in there with them. I’m sure they will teach you some great techniques to cope with life. One of my favorites is focusing on the positive. I know it sounds lame, but when your daughter drives you nuts, remind yourself how lucky you… Read more »
What a great article. It has everything I was unconsciously looking for. Being an Indian I live with my family. Mother father, brother and his wife. My issue is that I can’t see someone not value things like I do. I can’t see things getting wasted but they (my brother and his wife) loves to do it. I like cleanliness but they likes to leave the kitchen dirty. They are irresponsible in a lot of matters which really angers me. All these things, boils my blood and ruins my mood. I feel so helpless and unable to focus on my… Read more »
Hi Sweety! Oh – I am so sorry!!!!! Remind yourself that their behavior is not your behavior (you are not wasteful). And you can either leave their messes or you can clean up the messes, but you can’t force them to change. Sometimes people will clean up when they are ready to. However, if they know you will clean everything up, they just might leave it for you! It’s a tough call. But at the end of the day, the only person you can control is you. You can think of it as leading by example – you will be… Read more »
there’s a guy online that stalks me in a mutual game we play. I can’t stop him and I’ve told him to leave me alone before but he just keeps bothering me. The minute I log into this game this guy immediately messages me. If I ignore it he tries to find out who my other friends are to say bad things about me to them (in a stealthy way) just to get a reaction out of me because I am ignoring him. Unfortunately, in this game which I also made RL side money, the developers won’t let you truly… Read more »
Hi Mad! Oh wow – I am so sorry! I honestly don’t know what to tell you if the developers won’t help. It sounds to me that the only options you have are to ignore him as best you can (no response at all of any kind) and keep playing or stop playing. It’s a shame they developers aren’t enforcing any kind of rules to prevent this from happening. If it’s impacting you so much, I’d really try to find a way to make the money someplace else. I don’t know enough about it all to advise you on other… Read more »
I realized that nobody can help me because monster I am dealing with is real monster- Zombie, I mean it. Black mafia family.
I have never met or heard anything like this. No therapist can help me, because, as I said, normal people can not imagine what exists.
I feel that I have “evil eye”, but nothing I can do
I have no idea about this one. Wish I could help!