How to Stop Letting Other People Upset You
It happens to the best of us. We find ourselves completely undone by someone else’s behavior. It could be anything from someone cutting you off in traffic to your spouse cheating on you. Mild to severe, other people’s actions can turn our world upside down.
I recently let myself get all caught up in someone else’s drama. My boyfriend’s daughter was behaving in some ways I found unacceptable. He was trying to rein her in; she was acting out more and more; we all went to counseling (I can’t tell you how many arguments, sleepless nights, and general fury on my part all this caused). Suddenly, she decided to move in with her mother. As soon as she moved, poof – there was peace on earth. No more drama, angst, or fury. Is she still doing all the stuff we had problems with? I’m sure. But now it’s not my issue. And you know what? It never was.
Most of the things that you get upset about aren’t your issues. The driver who cut you off? Their driving is not your issue. All you need to worry about is getting safely to your destination. That lazy co-worker who isn’t doing their share of the work? Not your issue. All you need to do is focus on your own good work. Your cheating spouse? Not your issue. Your issue is why you would stay with someone who is cheating on you.
Some tips to help with this:
1. Realize you cannot control other people. They are going to do the crazy, stupid, incorrect things they are going to do. You can’t force them to do anything else. You can’t force someone to stop being lazy or lying to you or cheating on you. The only person you can control is you. You get to decide how much you’re going to let this person’s behavior impact you. Your worrying, obsessing, venting, etc. has zero impact on them – and only hurts you.
2. You have three choices – change your thinking, change your behavior, or do nothing. My boyfriend is not a planner – it’s just not his way. This used to drive me completely insane. I would constantly argue the importance of planning – that if you failed to plan, you planned to fail. I was quick to point out occasions where his lack of planning cost him (I’m such a charmer!). He finally told me that if I liked planning so much, I could just plan everything and he would gladly go along. I finally accepted that I was never going to change him. I can either live with no plan (changing how I think about planning), make the plan myself (changing my behavior), find a new boyfriend (also changing my behavior) or just keep complaining about it. But I’ll never make him a planner.
3. Examine your role in the behavior. Did the driver ahead of you cut you off because you just started talking on your cell and slowed 20 MPH? Did your teenager lie to you because the last time he told you the truth he was grounded? Is your spouse cheating because you are on the road 358 days a year? I’m not condoning any of the behaviors – I’m just asking you to look at the only person you can control – you. Maybe you are playing a role and not even realizing it.
4. But realize it may have absolutely nothing to do with you. I hate to say it, but this is more often the case. We are all the center of our own universes. Many times we think people are doing things because of us or to us and they aren’t. The driver may not have even seen you. Your teenager may lie just because he doesn’t want to be embarrassed. Your spouse may be cheating for the thrill of it and still loves you (although they have a crummy way of showing it).
5. Don’t inadvertently enable the behavior. Some people engage in their crazy behavior because the people around them encourage it. If your spouse cheats on you, and you take them back and treat them better than before, can you blame them if they cheat again? If your friend “borrows” money from you, and never repays it and you lend them more, can you blame them if they never repay that loan either? I love Maya Angelou’s advice, “The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them.” I know you don’t think you’re enabling, you think you’re helping. You think they will behave differently this time, that perhaps your love or kindness will change them. I say to you – why are you trying to control them still? Trying to change someone is trying to control them.
6. Let it go. Think of whoever drives you crazy right now. Get worked up – think of how they lie to you or how they don’t do their share or how selfish they are – whatever it is they are doing that drives you crazy. Assume they will never change. Ever. Can you just let it go? Is it really a minor thing you’ve been focusing on, making it major? In the big scheme of things, my boyfriend’s nonplanning is just not that big a deal. It’s offset by his kindness, patience, and wonderful good humor. Can you focus on the good more than the bad?
7. Let them go. Some behavior you just can’t let go of. Sometimes there’s not enough good to offset the bad. The best thing to do may be to let go of the relationship. Why are you staying with someone who causes you so much upset and pain? If you can’t let go of the relationship (say it’s a co-worker), can you let go of thinking so much about them? I bet they aren’t spending so much time thinking about you.
8. Get help. Can’t let it go or them? Talk with a professional counselor – life is too short for all this drama.
9. What about kids? Obviously when kids are little, you have to control them. They might think running into traffic is a good idea and you should probably put a stop to that. But as they get older, you’ll find that you need to alter your behavior to impact theirs. Maybe they start to dress inappropriately. You have several options – you can check out current fashion before you freak; you can yell and tell them they’re not going out like that (giving credibility to their attempt at rebellion); you can cut off the clothing allowance (controlling your behavior not theirs); or you can ignore it, knowing that sooner or later they will be embarrassed just like the rest of us and will fall in line. And if you are sharing clothing with your children, know that the rest of us are trying to let it go.
The bottom line is that you can’t let the behavior of others steal your joy. But if you do, it’s your choice. Focus on being the best and happiest that you can be – that’s where your energy should go. Set the best example you can and spend time and energy on people who lift you higher. And remember, somewhere there’s someone out there who thinks YOU need to change! Ha!
Nice piece.
Kenny, thanks so much!!
Simple rules to remember. Thank you!
Thanks for reading!
Hi, Good read, I am mentally and emotionally tormented bcz of a b*tch. Out of sight out of mind they say, but I have to co-exist with that b*tch, so how? I will be seeing her/ her stuff so often, I just cant take it, and I can’t fake it when I hate someone. I hope I can be strong enough to ignore her, having to co-exist with her just drains me/ my energy. The fact that she has the privilege to gloat makes me even more pissed, to see her gloat. I am worn-out, drained, seriously. Anyhow, thanks for… Read more »
Hi Reeze! So glad you liked the article – thanks for commenting! Ugh – I am soooo sorry you are going through this! I’m not good at faking it either, so I can totally relate. Sounds like you’re doing everything I would recommend. And if you get desperate, there’s always sarcasm – even if you just say it to yourself. I will say that anyone who gloats over anything desperately craves approval – try to remind yourself of that. Good luck, and keep being you!!!
Some kind of way I have neighbors who listen to my every word recording me and the family in my home/computer/cellphone etc. and then use the information against me. I’m in no contact talking with neighbors. What I’m I to do about this problem?
Hi! I wish I could help! I have no idea how they are recording you, so I can’t think of any way to help. But it seems there must be some way to stop that from happening? The only idea I have is from time to time you say things to completely confuse them. I wish I had better advice to give!
This is a wonderful article; thank you so much.
I have been struggling with my anger towards my husband, and you helped me immensely.
I’m so glad!! Thanks for taking the time to let me know!
I have a neighbor who I can’t get rid of her I am so terrified of her she is the type that can manipulate others into harming you by saying bad things that can get you hurt..I am afraid of her and I can’t seem to get away from her. What can I do where it won’t cause anymore drama then it already is…I need someone’s advice and how I can just stay far far away that she would let me be..I want safe advice please let me know
Hi! I wish I could help! I think all you can do is smile and try to look busy. Maybe pretend to be talking on the phone as you come and go. It’s hard to always avoid neighbors, but you could try changing your schedule. Or if you live in an apartment, maybe ask to be moved to another unit far away from her? Or maybe if you have some nice neighbors you could ask them to look out for you? Not mentioning this lady specifically – just saying sometimes you are nervous? Wish I could help more – it’s… Read more »
I like this article a lot! I am trying to look into this and see if any of the advice given will help me grow tougher skin. I’ve been through a lot, but I am still extremely sensitive and even the slightest insult will bother me because I am extremely insecure. I know people are harsh and I taught myself that but still the slightest insults about my plumper body make me want to curl up into a corner and bawl. Any advice for growing thicker skin?
Thanks, Dana! So glad you liked the article! I’m so sorry that people say stupid things!! Unfortunately people have been saying stupid things since the dawn of time and as long as they can speak, they will keep saying stupid things. The best thing you can do to build up your self esteem is set some goals and achieve them. The goals could involve anything that appeals to you – saving a certain amount of money or reading a certain number of books. They could be growing a garden or starting a blog. Anything that interests you. As you achieve… Read more »
I like this article. I have a friend who is also my co worker and my room mate. Only when I started to love with her I noticed that she is super defensive and always wants to be right.She can never apologize and it seems like she always has reasons/escuses for everything she says. ts like being with a tough wall. Even before making a joke about her I have to think twice as I know she would be defensive in a second. i even spoke about this to her because it was draining my energy by overthinking. She said… Read more »
Hi! Oh, I am so sorry! Being around someone 24/7 is very hard – you really get to know them, not just their good side. Good for you for trying to talk with her about how her behavior makes you feel. Sometimes when people behave like she does, it’s because deep inside they are insecure. But that doesn’t make living with them any easier! Assume she won’t change and see if you can expand your friend circle more so she won’t bother you so much. It’s so challenging that you both live and work with her! It’s like many things… Read more »
normally i never read till the end and if i did, i skip, but this article, i am gonna print it and stick it at my work place and at home. absolutely well written.
Thanks! You made my day!!
Well said! I needed to hear that! Thank you for your insight. Clarity. I had to clarify and strengthen my resolve. So often I get swept away by the current events. It’s just the matter. Not the flow. Don’t be the clog! God bless and thanks for how you living.
I’m so glad you liked this! Thanks for taking the time to comment!
Everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.
I appreciate this write up.
Thanks, John! I am a fan of the KISS principle – Keep It Simple Sweetheart.
Hi, I am here again. Whenever I am feeling down or upset because of people’s behaviour towards me, your article will give me the comfort. I would feel better after reading it. Anyway, this time is regarding the same colleague again. Recently, I had asked her something about work. However, I was appalled by her rude and cold reply. When this happened, a few people were also present so it was also kind of an embarassing situation for me. In the end, I just walked away quietly. I thought perhaps when I had asked her about that matter, she was… Read more »
Hi SP! I’m so glad you find the article helpful – I admit I have to read it again sometimes myself! I really am sorry you’re going through this. I think anyone would find your co-worker’s behavior confusing and upsetting. Texting you to see how you’re doing and then being rude to you at work is just, well, weird. I read something the other day that may help. It was a study that said most people like us more than we think they do AND most people are paying less attention to us than we think they are. So let’s… Read more »
I like the article but you know there’s also time when a lazy employee affects your work too. It may be because you are stuck to work as a team and your hard work is shared among everyone who even didn’t do much effect to deserve it, conflicting opinions because the lazy mind and the productive mind cannot get along to make a productive decision, and lastly the other person attacks your efforts by making you feel like you are not doing enough. At the end it really isn’t your issue but when it’s mandatory to work together then issue… Read more »
Hi Albert! Thanks for your comment! And I agree 100%. It’s not simple. And really as you see from all the comments, this is far from simple in most circumstances. That said, the only choices you have in the situation you mention are 1) continue to work hard and carry the rest of the team, taking pride in your own work and not worrying about what those losers are doing; 2) work less hard, match their level of work; 3) look for another position/job with a better team (everyone wants to hire great people right now). But showing up everyday… Read more »
I love this. Growing up people, no matter who they are, always say things that I hate and don’t like and it hurts me too much. I always have painful memories of words. I hate lots of things about people
I’m so sorry, Sekou! People can be the worst, but they can also be the best. Don’t give up and don’t let the bad ones dim your light!
Thank you, this is a very good article. I have someone in my life who likes to make passive aggressive comments and blame me for things that aren’t my fault. They are far from bad but they get really angry and ignore me when I tell them I don’t like what they are doing. I do a lot to keep things okay but I just can’t stay silent when they do these things. It may seem minor but it feels so uncesscary and I wish i can escape it but can’t
I’m so glad you liked the article! Nothing that causes you pain is minor! Some people can’t/won’t accept responsibility for their own actions. They hurt others, but don’t seem to care or listen when it is brought up to them. It sounds like this person takes it even further by getting angry at you when you express your feelings! I don’t know your situation, but I hope you’ll try to spend less time with this person. Over time, being around them might make you doubt yourself. People that make you feel bad and don’t listen to you = people you… Read more »
Thank you I really appreciate this solid advice. It’s really helpful☺
❤️❤️❤️
Thank you soo much for this article , I am constantly trying to change others, or fix them and any thing someone says or does effects me soo emotionally, have been living this way for as long as I can remember , just been getting worse lately .
I have a teen daughter and husband that constantly effects my mind and emotional well-being and have no idea on how to let it go , I saw the reference to some books to read up on it and am soo gonna see if those help .
Tammy, I’m so glad you liked it. And thanks for taking the time to comment! I think this is the hardest thing in the world to do – especially for people like you (givers). I know you try to change others or fix them out of love, but it never works and depletes you. Read the books and try your hardest to focus on YOU. Do what YOU need, what will make YOU happy. I know it will seem selfish at first, but I promise, it is the path to happiness. Give only what brings you joy to give (assume… Read more »
Thanks so much for this eye opening article. My husband is 64 and shouts at me and sometimes is violent pushing me to the ground etc. he is in a bad mood most days. We have no fun. He is a narcissist. My dad is old and frail and he is manipulative trying to get me to do everything for him but I found out recently after a year of doing everything for him that he can do things for himself and has been lazy and pretending to be unable to clean his house and do shopping. My neighbours put… Read more »
Hi Ali! I am so, so sorry you’ve had so many people treat you poorly! If this article has helped, I’m thrilled. You deserve so much better! I hope you’re able to get away from your abusive hubby, step back from your manipulative father, and find a good friend who listens. The first step in finding good people is making space for them, by spending less time with the bad ones. Good luck, dear Ali!!
I have a friend that keeps manipulating my feelings
She keeps standing on her wrong and never apologizes
She gets mad at you even when she’s wrong
She’s someone I care about and don’t want to let go of
So sad to hear that!! It sounds like she’s not really your friend – or at least doesn’t have much to give. Hope you stay open to meeting someone who can be a true friend – they are worth their weight in gold!
Wow
This helped me
Thank you
So glad, Isabella! Thanks so much for letting me know!
What a great read. Thank you so much for posting this article and for all of the thoughtful responses to each of the commenters. You are Amazing! I’m low contact with my parents bc it’s so toxic and it’s been such a breathe of fresh air having the space from them to enjoy my life. I’m very close with my in laws. I love and care about my mother in law to the point that I donated my kidney when she needed it. She has treated me so well from the moment we met and I want her around for… Read more »
Thanks, Angie! I’m so glad you found it helpful! I’m so proud of you for the approach you’ve taken with your parents – sometimes that’s what you have to do regardless of who the people are. And wow – I think you are the amazing one! What a gift to give to your mother-in-law! Ugh – hate to hear that about your father-in-law. But it sounds like you are doing the best you can – giving as much as possible to your mother-in-law without letting him impact you too much. It’s a shame she’s stayed with him all these years-… Read more »
Me and my friend have been friends for like four months now. At first I saw her as a bubbly, smart girl who just loves music and gets excited over small things. But nowadays, she always tries to criticize people around her. She doesn’t compliment or say assuring stuff when I ask for validation but she asks for my opinion on her looks from time to time. She has told me that she doesn’t care if she hurts other people cause of her opinions. And that she thinks the people who aren’t good to her are jealous of her. I… Read more »
Thanks for your comment and sharing your thoughts. Often people look perfect in the beginning and as we get to know them better, well, we get to know them better. I don’t know that you’re being a bad friend, I think you’re in the process of learning who she really is and seeing if you want to be her friend. If she really doesn’t care if she hurts people with her opinions, she may not be good friend material. Here’s my best advice – if you have fun with her and feel better most of the time when you’re with… Read more »
I got super stressed out and angry when i fought with my neighbour…and she has been very rude…telling all other neighbours how bad i am and badmouthing about me. Being an introvert, leave picking up fights, i hardly speak to the neighbours 🙁
But…i think people will do what they do…i need to ignore such bitches
Ignoring bitches is ALWAYS the best policy. But don’t let one neighbor turn you off all the others. Blast them with a big smile and a greeting every time you see them – they may mistake your introversion for distain. I always wave at my neighbors – regardless of their response, it makes me feel better. I’m determined to travel in joy. And I’m surprised by how many of them later thank me for making their day. Ha! Imagine that! Thanks for the comment, Deepti! And good luck!!
This has happened like 25 times by now and it really helped.
Glad it helped!!
My life has been like roller coaster everyone life is. Today I went to university and my professor who teaches me islamiat made a comment on me in front of the class that can she speak I was very embarrassed but this has happened to me quite a few times I did not that much effected me but yeah
Oh Fatima, I’m so sorry! That would embarrass anyone – argh! At least the class won’t last forever. Take your power back by learning as much as you can and moving on. You are growing and will leave that class and the professor in the dust! Woohoo!!!! Hang in there!
A person said to me that he “wants to burn my mom” in an online game. I was obviously mad but I didn’t show it, instead I just said I’m sorry to disappoint you. He was an horrible and very much retarded person but I didn’t play his game. But I am upset. I think at the core of my sadness there is the fact that how horrible people can be. This fact is what makes me upset. But I’m also mad that why am I affected so easily by random people.
That is horrible! I am so sorry!!! Don’t be mad at yourself – everyone has been in the same boat. The internet has made it so easy to be nasty to people – you don’t have to see the impact of the pain you’ve inflicted on their face. People post things they would never say in person. You get upset because you are human and a nice person. You would never say that to someone, so it’s upsetting and shocking when someone says it to you. Remind yourself they don’t know you and nasty comments tell you much more about… Read more »
After 2 years relationship and moving in together with my boyfriend (we both lived by ourselves in the uk before that) he now got to a point where he’s not happy here anymore and is going back to Romania, his home country. Even though I know that no matter how i feel about it, it won’t stop him from doing it .. living with him and seeing him everyday breaks my heart because I know he’s gonna leave and our relationship is going to be over at some point but at the same time I don’t want to move out… Read more »
Hi Ines! Thanks so much for sharing – although I’m so sorry you’re going through this! Time to rebuild your life – as hard as that sounds! Start looking for your new place if you are planning to stay there. Clinging to someone who is planning to leave does not make them want to stay. He doesn’t realize how amazing you are? Fine – good riddance, he’s not the one. (You’re not stupid, by the way, just human.) He may or may not be happy without you, but guess what? You need to start working on being happy without him.… Read more »
People get upset with me all the time because I let little stuff bother me. I used to be positive happy person. And I know I have issues my self. But I need to understand your advice because how to let go of your child who knows how to push your buttons and keeps on because they think it is funny. Only then to tell you that I’m allowing myself to get upset. I do not understand how that is to be done
Hi Sabrina! I’m so sorry you’re going through this! It’s hard from me to respond because I don’t know how old your child is. My answer would differ if they were an adult or very young. If your child is an adult, they are responsible for their actions and if they are pushing your buttons and hurting you – you get to decide how to respond to that. You can spend less time with them, ignore their behavior (no reaction from you might make it not so funny to them), etc. If your child is not an adult, then this… Read more »
Thank you for the Wisdom 🙂
I got so much triggered that, I showed its effects on other people.
I’m so glad this helped!
This really spoke to me. Do you have any books I can read to learn how to separate myself from the impact other people’s actions? I have difficulty with my partner not doing things like your example of planning. Thanks for your support!
Hi Ross! I’m so glad it helped! Have you read The Four Agreements and The Mastery of Love by Don Miguel Ruiz? I found those to be super easy reads with some serious wisdom. Start there and let me know what you think. I’ll give you a couple more if those resonate. (I just moved and most of my books are packed right now!) Hope that helps!
I was abused as a child and also in my two marriages that is physically I work with people who have anger issues I mean they blow up. I don’t want to go near these people because my heart starts beating I want to cry but I have to continue to work with them. I have called in sick went home early because I can’t deal with this person’s anger. The lashing out at customers. I have kept a diary of every time I talk with management about his behavior. But is this an irrational fear how do I get… Read more »
Hi Cat! I’m so sorry for all of this! It sounds like your life has been pretty hard. And it is way above my paygrade – I think you need to talk with a professional counselor about all this. I think it would be really helpful and important – there are some repeating patterns here. If your fears are truly irrational, they might want to change the dosage of your meds. I’m thinking you should probably take all that is prescribed? Again – way beyond my experience. I do know that there are TONS of jobs out there right now… Read more »
I am afraid I obsess with people, I think because of my upbringing. I need to stop, get some confidence and think about myself. My brother got with my best friend and, knowing that I wasn’t impressed, they lied to me for 6 years about it. I didn’t like it a) because he is 15 years younger than my friend and myself and she knew him as a kid and he fancied her when he was 10. 2) The main reason is because my family have gaslighted me all my life and I didn’t want her involved. All our family… Read more »
Wow! What a mess! Family is always challenging! It really must have been painful when you found out about your brother and your best friend. I’m so sorry about that. And I’m really sorry about the loss of your parents, that’s so hard. But I think maybe you need to find a new best friend. Someone who’s lied to you about something like this for 6 years is not really your friend. I would be devastated. All that said, my advice is what it always is, assume they won’t change and make your life so awesome you don’t care. Find… Read more »
I took to heart what u’ve said….and I will write them down, study them and try my best to apply them… I REALLY struggle and don’t like who I am when I am with my husband….We have 2 beautiful boys…3 & 8….and he is a wonderful father….(the father he never had) however, not so good a husband. We’ve been together almost 12yrs….and perhaps happy 6months of those yrs. We’re not friends, never laugh… I have many friends, love my work and I am happy, just not fulfilled in my marriage…. I don’t know what rlto do anymore…I’ve left several times,… Read more »
Oh Natascha! It sounds like you are stuck, stuck, stuck! It’s pretty clear that you are miserable. If you’re not even friends with your husband and you never laugh, well…I don’t understand why you stay. It’s been 12 years and you are expecting him to change. I’m pretty sure after 12 years, this is who he is. I think it would really be worth talking through this with a professional therapist. Not letting someone upset you is one thing; staying with someone you’re not even friends with is a completely different matter. If you don’t like who you are when… Read more »
I think in my situation that the reason I get mad at people who upset me is that they violate my own beliefs and rules (I wouldn’t do it to them so why do that think they get to do that to me?) For example, if I wouldn’t go around bullying someone, yet someone bullies me, I’d feel like that was a violation. I guess I shouldn’t think like that, but every time I do, this question crosses my mind: “If I can’t expect people to treat me with respect, why should others expect me to treat THEM with respect?”… Read more »
Ah – you certainly don’t have to accept the bully’s behavior and treat them with the respect that they no longer deserve. All you have to do is realize the only person you can control is you. So if someone is a bully, you can 1) avoid them as much as possible, 2) realize the bullying says way more about them and their insecurities than it does about you, 3) bully them back (doesn’t sound like this is the path you want to walk), or take any number of other actions. While it’s a silly example, I walk everyday and… Read more »
Omg this is exactly what I needed to read. I have such a hard time not letting other peoples actions affect me. ♀️. And your right I guess I am trying to change them, and I shouldn’t. It’s just hard when you see someone making so many choices you think are mistakes and say nothing. All the little things people do get to me and I need to realize they are not my problem to solve. Definitely something I need to learn to let go off and stay in my lane. I need to stop expecting people to live up… Read more »
So glad you found it helpful, Lina! Thanks for your comment! And it’s totally okay to tell someone what you think they are doing is a mistake, just don’t have any expectations they will change. If they listen to you and make improvements – yahoo! If they don’t, you tried and you can let it go. Keep rocking your standards and eventually you’ll find the right people! ❤
Such good advise. My ex husband was pretty hands off while my daughter grew up. He lived 4 minutes from us for several years and only saw her on his scheduled weekends. And on Fridays when she had sports events for school, he never attended. He had a hobby to participate in of his own. Saturdays, he left her with her uncaring step mom. He also never helped with support unless it was court ordered. No college, no wedding, cars, braces, glasses, surgery, on and on. Bottom line, he was a lazy dad, self absorbed. Fast forward to now. He’s… Read more »
Oh Michelle, I won’t lie – this sucks! BUT let’s remember your daughter isn’t stupid. Dad’s a hot mess with 5 wives. He’s still lazy and self absorbed. And this new wife can NEVER take the place of a mom who was there for her and her kids for all those years. What Wife 5 is, is a shiny object. Someone new with some free time to babysit and some cash for gifts. Your daughter doesn’t love her and she certainly doesn’t love you any less. I think it was good to block Wife 5 on social media. Facebook is… Read more »
Thank you for the reply it is truly a blessing! It is just a relief to vent to someone and feel understood.
You are right, I have wasted too much time on this person who really is irrelevant. God bless you.
❤❤❤
Hi , I love this article ,in my life I have gone through very wrost situation I had many emotional break down ,people call me I m too emotional I get attached with the people so quickly, but once I get attached with them they start taking as a granted ,they said I always complain about everything, but I am not wrong all the time ,when I see something wrong then I complain only, now a days everybody want a happy face or happy mood , once you start serious conversation about relationship ,they said you are overthinking , I… Read more »
Hi Susmita! I’m so glad you liked it! And my heart goes out to you! You sound like someone who feels things very deeply. Unfortunately many people are somewhat shallow – at least at first. If you can enter relationships expecting nothing, maybe you can go a little slower emotionally and protect yourself. You will find your people – just try to go slow and keep being who you are. If you attach too quickly to the wrong person, you might miss the right one! And find things you enjoy solo – that can help you go slower. Your life… Read more »
Yes
interesting! i cant stand is my husbands lack of keeping his end of the deal; he will promises, for instance, that he will vacuum for you, and then (after youve done your part of the deal) & then you do his laundry, & make him breakfast. when its late in the evening yet he still didnt do what he said hed do!
Hi! So frustrating! Well, you know the old adage – fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me! Don’t do his laundry going forward until he does what he promised. Obviously if he had a good reason (he had to work late, for example), that would be different. Will he do the chores, just on his timetable? That is a pretty common occurrence. Women want things done now and guys will get to them….eventually. This is one we often have to make peace with. Or is he being a jerk and expecting you to do everything?… Read more »
Thanks for writing this!! I’m currently struggling to not be affected by my fathers drinking. He gets drunk, acts recklessly, forgets and when we bring it up to him he makes it seem as if we’re wrong for worrying about him or wishing he didn’t drink. I try to not let it get to me but I tend to cry a lot or feel tense because its my dad and he refuses to open up about his past and chooses to get drunk everyday to escape. It’s hurtful to watch and I find myself getting worked up about this constantly.
Hi Kat! I’m so glad you found this helpful! I’m so sorry to hear about your dad – when your parents have addiction issues, it is especially painful. They can’t take care of themselves, much less anyone else. I have no idea how old you are, but if/when you’re old enough, limit the time you spend with him. Don’t visit if he’s drunk/drinking. Unless he wants to change and gets help changing, he simply won’t. He’s already making you feel bad for caring about him! Addicts are great manipulators. Your feelings and reactions are completely normal. That said, you’re going… Read more »
I love this article. I recently had an argument with the father of my child. We recently separated but we were trying to make things work. However, I am realizing that all he does is gaslights and manipulate me into making me think I am the problem because “I MAKE THINGS DIFFICULT” Of course, It is my fault because I put up with it. You literally cant change someone of they don’t see what they are doing is wrong. As much as that hurts, we stay because we believe we can change someone but in reality, if they’re not going… Read more »
Hi Yos! Thanks for your comment! So sorry you’re going through this! I’m glad you see through what he’s doing and realize trying to change someone else is a recipe for heartbreak. I hope he gets it together, but if not, enjoy your child and focus on creating a great life for the two of you. Hang in there, my friend!!
Denise, Thank you for this article. I feel its something I need to re-read everyday until it comes natural. There are so many times that I dwell on people and things that are completely irrelevant to my own life. I am so easily annoyed that it frustrates me. I dont want to be this way, I dont want to care. I just dont understand why/how some people are the way they are. But, I will NEVER understand that and I need to LET IT GO. Not my monkey not my circus. I know its easier said than done but your… Read more »
Ha, ha, ha!! Christy, you need a friend like Erica you can vent to! I have one and she’s a lifesaver. Thanks so much for your comment – I’m so glad you liked the article. I always write what I need to hear. I am definitely not the ringmaster of every circus and I need to constantly remind myself of that. And the next time you think you’re annoying or overanalyzing, remind yourself that while not every circus is yours, every circus does indeed need a ringmaster. Thanks for reading!
Not my monkey, not my circus, love it!
Thank you sooooooo much for this article. I feel like people are constantly irritating me, from my mother asking me to do A and then changing it to A through S, to the husband’s overdrinking and laziness, to the girl at work at the department behind her who keeps changing the rules of how I need to work my project, to a guy who rigidly went around the mulberry bush just to say what I had already said as if it was a novel idea, the last of which brought me here. I blame it on PMS, lack of sleep,… Read more »
Thanks, Erica! I am laughing as I read this because we have all been there! Don’t be so hard on yourself! This is a serious journey – and the more you practice letting your high expectations of others go, the happier you will be! Whenever I find myself getting mad at the slow driver in front of me, family members who do stupid things, or random strangers who act like blockheads, I just remind myself the only person upset right then is me! And I’m doing it to myself! Sigh. Welcome to the wrapped too tightly overachievers club! Get a… Read more »
Erica, You sound like me! We should be best friends HA
Thanks for the article. I wanted to write because i really needed some encouragements…. I moved to a foreign land due to marriage and I have a child of 4 years old whom we have enrolled in the preschool of the public school. We were generally happy with it until beginning this year, a boy in her class started to hurt my child (and some other children too) in 3 separate occasions within 3 months. Knowing that this happened to only my child, I asked the teacher to do something about it, but she didn’t. So on the third occasion… Read more »
Oh my gosh – I am sooooo sorry! How terrible that another child bit your child on the face! I am so very, very sorry. (It sounds like he might really have some problems.) I’m so glad you are at another school! I have to say, you have handled this amazingly well. You didn’t gossip, you didn’t lash out at the mom, you’ve been terrific. My guess is, the other moms were not so great. But we’ll let them go. It sounds like you only really care about the boy’s mom. It’s possible she’s embarrassed or ashamed or mad you… Read more »
such an informative article. ur amazing
Thanks, Shanaya! So glad you liked it!
sometime’s i have a guy called mr roy in i have been with him for one year
he is sometimes crazy i don’t like him sometimes he make’s me have a bad day in he is really annoying he is like a jerk he say i can’t eat carnival food sometimes he thank’s every place in new jersey is so far from paterson too
All I can say is why would you stay with a man who says you can’t eat carnival food? Mr. Roy has no joy. Set yourself free.
This is the best response ever
Hee, hee – thanks, Andrew!!!
I am someone who just thinks that people are really nice and trustworthy and tell them my secrets, just because i tell them it is something important to me.More than often people aren’t like that. Ive come to realize that but somehow I still tell people secrets.So i told one of my classmates who i knew, but not too well some secret stuff about me and soon after i regretted it.Now i just have this feeling that the whole school knows about it, they probably don’t but i just cant get the thought out of my mind and it probably… Read more »
Hi Nicki! I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way! And if it bothers you, it is a big problem. Many people are nice and trustworthy, but some are so desperate to be liked, they tell your secrets in the hope someone will like them for it. I know it seems crazy, but at your age, everyone just wants to be popular and have people like them. I can promise you – one day you will look back and think, “Why did I waste so much energy thinking about those losers?” You know how to get through? Find something you like… Read more »
thank you so much this means a lot, and i will do my best to follow your advice
Thank you for your comments!!! Hang in there!
This is such a useful article thank you x
Thanks so much!!!!
A friend of mine who I’ve known for over 20 years has burned out my willingness to understand her decisions. The decisions she makes are self serving (I get that part)… Add to it her purposeful ignorance of the pitfalls, the easy to project disastrous outcomes. (I can even handle that part). It’s the complaining afterwards of all the problems her decisions have created. I stopped long ago at attempts to give advice. I’ve stopped encouraging conversations about much of anything because the conversations are almost always one sided, with her relaying the excitement and enthusiam of her next acquisition… Read more »
Hi Aperenna! Thanks for sharing – I know this is hard. It sounds like you know what to do – I’m not sure why you don’t do it. You seem to have a great deal of awareness – is it possible you choose friends of this sort to avoid intimacy? Just a question to mull over. Let her go and free up the space to find someone who can have a deep connection with you – if that’s what you want. You’ve known her for 20 years – she isn’t going to change. But it may be time for you… Read more »
I was bullied and verbally abused by a boy in school when I was 15. I was just minding my own business when he started throwing paper balls at me, and when I tried to get him to stop it, he came up and he slapped me. I am a very shy person and as that was right in the middle of the class I was shocked and froze as he simply just walked off. After that he took every opportunity to humiliate and demean me but whenever I tried to take it up, he always said that they were… Read more »
Hi Atharv! That’s terrible – I am so very sorry! I think it would be great to talk with a counselor about this. I think you need to work through it with someone who can listen and rebuild your self confidence. 15 is a tough age – and this was pretty traumatic. The sad thing is he still has power over you all these years later because he’s still in your head. I can assure you he has moved on, you need to figure out a way to do so as well. He will become meaningless to you when you… Read more »
I appreciate you replying to my message. I have been speaking to a counselor about this for a few months now. I will certainly do such a symbolic act as the one you mentioned. Thank you for your wishes!
My 20 year old son has ADD, been arrested for drugs, was arrested for drugs again. He’s not a leader, he’s a follower. He is the nicest and kindest and most compassionate person you’ll meet. It’s his downfall. He cannot say no to anyone – and all his friends happen to be procurers, users and sellers. So if they ask him to do something- he will. He knows they use him. I can’t control him and his choices. I’ve been seeing a therapist for years (started with my other kid). I just can’t let go of the idea that if… Read more »
Hi Stacie, I am so, so sorry you’re going through this! And I’m very glad you’re getting professional help and advice. I’m a giver of tough love, so if you don’t want that, read no further! My first question is when would you like to focus on living your own life? Until your son (who is a grown man) wants to give up drugs and get treatment, there is nothing you can do here. Watch a few episodes of Intervention – you’ll see parents spending all their time, energy, love and money “helping” children they love as much as you… Read more »