How to Stop Letting Other People Upset You
It happens to the best of us. We find ourselves completely undone by someone else’s behavior. It could be anything from someone cutting you off in traffic to your spouse cheating on you. Mild to severe, other people’s actions can turn our world upside down.
I recently let myself get all caught up in someone else’s drama. My boyfriend’s daughter was behaving in some ways I found unacceptable. He was trying to rein her in; she was acting out more and more; we all went to counseling (I can’t tell you how many arguments, sleepless nights, and general fury on my part all this caused). Suddenly, she decided to move in with her mother. As soon as she moved, poof – there was peace on earth. No more drama, angst, or fury. Is she still doing all the stuff we had problems with? I’m sure. But now it’s not my issue. And you know what? It never was.
Most of the things that you get upset about aren’t your issues. The driver who cut you off? Their driving is not your issue. All you need to worry about is getting safely to your destination. That lazy co-worker who isn’t doing their share of the work? Not your issue. All you need to do is focus on your own good work. Your cheating spouse? Not your issue. Your issue is why you would stay with someone who is cheating on you.
Some tips to help with this:
1. Realize you cannot control other people. They are going to do the crazy, stupid, incorrect things they are going to do. You can’t force them to do anything else. You can’t force someone to stop being lazy or lying to you or cheating on you. The only person you can control is you. You get to decide how much you’re going to let this person’s behavior impact you. Your worrying, obsessing, venting, etc. has zero impact on them – and only hurts you.
2. You have two choices – learn to live with the behavior or change your relationship to the person. My boyfriend is not a planner – it’s just not his way. This used to drive me completely insane. I would constantly argue the importance of planning – that if you failed to plan, you planned to fail. I was quick to point out occasions where his lack of planning cost him (I’m such a charmer!). He finally told me that if I liked planning so much, I could just plan everything and he would gladly go along. I finally accepted that I was never going to change him. I can either make the plans, live with no plan, or find a new boyfriend. But I’ll never make him a planner.
3. Examine your role in the behavior. Did the driver ahead of you cut you off because you just started talking on your cell and slowed 20 MPH? Did your teenager lie to you because the last time he told you the truth he was grounded? Is your spouse cheating because you are on the road 358 days a year? I’m not condoning any of the behaviors – I’m just asking you to look at the only person you can control – you. Maybe you are playing a role and not even realizing it.
4. But realize it may have absolutely nothing to do with you. I hate to say it, but this is more often the case. We are all the center of our own universes. Many times we think people are doing things because of us or to us and they aren’t. The driver may not have even seen you. Your teenager may lie just because he doesn’t want to be embarrassed. Your spouse may be cheating for the thrill of it and still loves you (although they have a crummy way of showing it).
5. Don’t inadvertently enable the behavior. Some people engage in their crazy behavior because the people around them encourage it. If your spouse cheats on you, and you take them back and treat them better than before, can you blame them if they cheat again? If your friend “borrows” money from you, and never repays it and you lend them more, can you blame them if they never repay that loan either? I love Maya Angelou’s advice, “The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them.” I know you don’t think you’re enabling, you think you’re helping. You think they will behave differently this time, that perhaps your love or kindness will change them. I say to you – why are you trying to control them still? Trying to change someone is trying to control them.
6. Let it go. Think of whoever drives you crazy right now. Get worked up – think of how they lie to you or how they don’t do their share or how selfish they are – whatever it is they are doing that drives you crazy. Assume they will never change. Ever. Can you just let it go? Is it really a minor thing you’ve been focusing on, making it major? In the big scheme of things, my boyfriend’s nonplanning is just not that big a deal. It’s offset by his kindness, patience, and wonderful good humor. Can you focus on the good more than the bad?
7. Let them go. Some behavior you just can’t let go of. Sometimes there’s not enough good to offset the bad. The best thing to do may be to let go of the relationship. Why are you staying with someone who causes you so much upset and pain? If you can’t let go of the relationship (say it’s a co-worker), can you let go of thinking so much about them? I bet they aren’t spending so much time thinking about you.
8. Get help. Can’t let it go or them? Talk with a professional counselor – life is too short for all this drama.
9. What about kids? Obviously when kids are little, you have to control them. They might think running into traffic is a good idea and you should probably put a stop to that. But as they get older, you’ll find that you need to alter your behavior to impact theirs. Maybe they start to dress inappropriately. You have several options – you can check out current fashion before you freak; you can yell and tell them they’re not going out like that (giving credibility to their attempt at rebellion); you can cut off the clothing allowance (controlling your behavior not theirs); or you can ignore it, knowing that sooner or later they will be embarrassed just like the rest of us and will fall in line. And if you are sharing clothing with your children, know that the rest of us are trying to let it go.
The bottom line is that you can’t let the behavior of others steal your joy. But if you do, it’s your choice. Focus on being the best and happiest that you can be – that’s where your energy should go. Set the best example you can and spend time and energy on people who lift you higher. And remember, somewhere there’s someone out there who thinks YOU need to change! Ha!
Great advice thank you for this wisdom!
Thanks, Khloe
Great Article. It helped me think more whether I should let them go or not. I am still thinking of whether to talk to a person who is/ was my friend . Is it good idea to talk to ?I tried before 3-4 time and she avoided me. Please advice
Hi! So glad you liked the article! If you want to try again – by all means, do so. But the best indicator of future behavior is past behavior, so I wouldn’t expect much. It might be better to reach out to someone else who would be glad to have your friendship. I think you deserve better. Good luck!!
Thank you for this..will be printing it as a reminder to myself. I get too caught up in people’s imperfections…probably to subconsciously mask my own. Toxic drama in other people’s lives not related to me also affects me. I obsess over why some people are so f*cked up and try to make meaning of it by overanalyzing and searching for answers online to diagnose them in my head. It drives me crazy. I lose hope in humanity. I despise people a lot. I focus on flaws rather than the good in people, even in the good people. I find flaws… Read more »
Hi Jessica! Thanks for your comment! Sounds like you absolutely get it and are very self-aware. I think we all do some of what you do, so don’t be too hard on yourself. I read an article recently that said most people like us more than we think. I think we’re all just muddling along, trying to find connection. So your advice to yourself is good for all of us – focus on the good (in people, situations, etc.) and stay open. The right people will like you and want to be part of your life and the wrong people?… Read more »
Love the article I really needed to here that I let people get to me all the time especially my coworkers im 46 a nurse for 17 years and i work with people that arent team players and it pisses me off because later that person needs me or help or has a question… I can honestly say I take it to far and will apologize when im wrong I hate when i go to 10 so quickly
Hi Monica! Thanks for the comment! First of all – thanks for being a nurse! One of the toughest jobs on the planet IMHO! I know it’s got to be hard – especially when you have so much knowledge and experience and everyone wants it. And you all are under so much stress already. This may sound random – but do you exercise or meditate? Get enough sleep? I find that all those things help me deal better with blockheads. And there’s always chocolate! There will always be uncaring, frustrating co-workers, but you have to take care of you! The… Read more »
hello, thank you so much for writing this article! I’m in sort of a sticky situation where whenever I am in a relationship with someone or have a partner, their behaviors/actions/words to me have such a deep impact on me that it will literally like consume me for days. My happiness and emotional well-being is basically contingent on others and how they treat me. I know this isn’t healthy and that I should have my own sense of inner happiness and self security that shouldn’t be controlled by other people. Of course it’s normal that your partner will affect your… Read more »
Hi Celeste! Thanks so much for the comment! I’m going to give you the secret for peace in a relationship (drum roll please!)…..find the right partner. Yep – it took me about 40 years to figure this out, so don’t feel bad! When you’re with the wrong person, they do things that make you obsess (being distant, not texting you back for hours, seeing you infrequently, not giving you the attention you wish you had, not wanting to make your relationship “official”). The right person is not distant, texts you back as soon as they can, sees you as much… Read more »
great article,Hello everyone,I am 46 old female, I am a nice kind, and very caring person, but everyone taking my kindness as granted include my boyfriend and my family,(8 brothers and sisters) since I was 17-18 i have been helping to my family from 10% to %100 such as buying them house, helping their kids colleges, and any unexpected things in their life, of course my family are competing with each other to get close to me, but at the same time I feel they are not appreciating my kindnesses, for example they become angry with me easily, I have… Read more »
Oh Mary! I wish I could jump in your body and stand up for you! We teach people how to treat us and if you keep giving them money and doing things for them when they treat you badly….well, you are rewarding their bad behavior! They aren’t treating you well because you aren’t treating you well! You deserve people who give you as much love, consideration and respect as you give them. What to do? Ultimately you have to decide, but here’s what I’d do – stop giving these people money! Are they going to take care of you when… Read more »
I live in a street where there are loads of kids and I have severe mental health issues and no children of my own. The kids in the street every day and night hang around outside my house screaming at the top of their lungs my partner is a lorry driver so needs rest and I tried talking to the parents also the police as they broke my trellis many times and it just gets worse people seem to think I’m being unreasonable but it’s really bothering me and upsets me in a big way how can I ignore this
Hi Tracey! I’m so sorry – I hate this for you! But I think you already know what’s not going to work. And by focusing on trying to get them to do what you want, you are making yourself miserable. So what can you do? Earplugs, headphones, heavy drapes, white noise machines. The more you yell and call the police, probably the more noise they will make. I know it’s not fair, and you shouldn’t have to do this, but you’ve tried everything else. Another option is moving. Again, I know, not fair. But all you can do is figure… Read more »
Thank you for writing this. I teach high school and I have a particular class that I end up dreading every day. They are so incredibly obnoxious and rude and it makes me question whether I want to be a teacher any more frankly. Not taking behavior personally is a big training piece that gets hit on time and time again, but as a teacher, I naturally wear my heart on my sleeves and try to make it so everyone is learning and growing. When those efforts are met with reciprocal effort or in this class’s case, out right disrespect,… Read more »
Hi Josh! I’m so sorry – that stinks!! And let’s face it – we do take our audience’s behavior personally – it’s human nature. So try to give yourself a break. I’m glad you’re getting some good support from other teachers. Keep doing things that you think are cool – and you may be surprised that you are actually reaching one or two – they just aren’t brave enough to show it. I always try to have a good time even if I have a tough audience – I consider that the best revenge. And I know I did my… Read more »
Thanks. I needed that.
My girlfriend and I have been living together for about 3-4 months. Everything is great except for one thing. We live in a side by side multi family home with no insulation in the walls or floors. The neighbors are continuously slamming things, banging into the walls and just having 0 regard for the fact that we can hear and feel (quite literally) everything they do. I’ve complained to the landlord a few times and he’s just been forwarding our complaints so nothing is really being done. I even had a conversation with the older son, who is the cause… Read more »
Oh Christopher! I am so, so sorry! Problems with neighbors are the worst! First, know you are not alone (check out Fear Thy Neighbor on the ID Channel – yikes!). Second – I’m glad there is light at the end of the tunnel! You can make it for 9 months!! I would focus on finding my new place – that will help – it will give you something to look forward to. Also – I want you know I’m not condoning their behavior in any way, but I accept the fact that you have done everything you can to get… Read more »
I am happily an available mom. The issue is that my daughter, now 16, has an issue of not allowing me to have a rhythm. Meaning I am getting ready for the day and she is not, she is blocking, talking, etc and i am unable to cook, shower, make calls, think of needs for self and her.Then we argue,then we take time to recover and try again. Now hungry but needing groceries so running on empty trying to function. If she hears me, sees me she engages me.. while I’m on phone, on way to bathroom, on way to… Read more »
Hi Jean! Let me first say that I’m not a professional counselor and after reading this I would strongly advise you to talk with one. It sounds to me like you have some serious boundary issues with your daughter. A counselor could help mediate. Your daughter is at the age where she needs to start pulling away. And you deserve respect. If you can’t take care of your personal needs, things are way over the top. I think it will be much easier to have a professional, objective third party help both of you. Good luck! I can tell you… Read more »
So I’m a 37 year-old male, I’m married, to a wonderful caring women that I truely, at this time in my life do not deserve. I have a 16yr old dramma Queen from a previous marriage and a 2yrold Lil princess from my marriage now. I have been battling a serious opiod addiction since I was 19-20yrs old. I have been in jails, institutions, and have even experienced death, from overdoses. I just started talking to a professional, not a psychiatrist, he tells me I need to start loving myself and and I stopped developing emotionally when I started using.… Read more »
Hi Scott! Wow – your wife sounds amazing! Good luck with the 16 year-old! It will get better but the next few years might be tough. Try to remind yourself how much being 16 sucks – she’s just taking out her teenage stuff on everyone else. I’m really glad you are working with a professional – hang in there with them. I’m sure they will teach you some great techniques to cope with life. One of my favorites is focusing on the positive. I know it sounds lame, but when your daughter drives you nuts, remind yourself how lucky you… Read more »
What a great article. It has everything I was unconsciously looking for. Being an Indian I live with my family. Mother father, brother and his wife. My issue is that I can’t see someone not value things like I do. I can’t see things getting wasted but they (my brother and his wife) loves to do it. I like cleanliness but they likes to leave the kitchen dirty. They are irresponsible in a lot of matters which really angers me. All these things, boils my blood and ruins my mood. I feel so helpless and unable to focus on my… Read more »
Hi Sweety! Oh – I am so sorry!!!!! Remind yourself that their behavior is not your behavior (you are not wasteful). And you can either leave their messes or you can clean up the messes, but you can’t force them to change. Sometimes people will clean up when they are ready to. However, if they know you will clean everything up, they just might leave it for you! It’s a tough call. But at the end of the day, the only person you can control is you. You can think of it as leading by example – you will be… Read more »
there’s a guy online that stalks me in a mutual game we play. I can’t stop him and I’ve told him to leave me alone before but he just keeps bothering me. The minute I log into this game this guy immediately messages me. If I ignore it he tries to find out who my other friends are to say bad things about me to them (in a stealthy way) just to get a reaction out of me because I am ignoring him. Unfortunately, in this game which I also made RL side money, the developers won’t let you truly… Read more »
Hi Mad! Oh wow – I am so sorry! I honestly don’t know what to tell you if the developers won’t help. It sounds to me that the only options you have are to ignore him as best you can (no response at all of any kind) and keep playing or stop playing. It’s a shame they developers aren’t enforcing any kind of rules to prevent this from happening. If it’s impacting you so much, I’d really try to find a way to make the money someplace else. I don’t know enough about it all to advise you on other… Read more »
I realized that nobody can help me because monster I am dealing with is real monster- Zombie, I mean it. Black mafia family.
I have never met or heard anything like this. No therapist can help me, because, as I said, normal people can not imagine what exists.
I feel that I have “evil eye”, but nothing I can do
I have no idea about this one. Wish I could help!
As a man .. I know I’m way more emotional than typical guy’s .. My issue was in a relationship. Got married .. I worked at the time 12 hr shifts 6 days a week ..which lead to her having a affair & yea I know it’s not my fault ..being emotional I honestly convinced myself that I couldn’t deal with all that .she at the time was pregnant with my 1st child . I left her ..with being pregnant. Her & I once again gotten back together. Just a short time.which lead to another pregnancy. Our marriage was rocky… Read more »
Hi Robert! Oh gosh – I’m so sorry you are struggling with this! I really think it might be helpful to talk to a professional therapist who can really dig in and help you with all this. But I’ll share some thoughts with you for what they are worth. First of all, nothing is wrong with you. It sounds to me like you need to fill your life up with people and things that aren’t your ex-wife. I would focus on trying to build new relationships – they don’t even have to be love relationships, just work on meeting some… Read more »
Hi. I’m having problems with my neighbours being noisy, I’ve spoken to the council and made recordings. The next step is to make a formal complaint, this worries me as I’m worried they will respond badly. So, I tried talking to them on an occasion when their music was particularly loud. They were having a party so I asked how long it was likely to go on for, straight away the woman started shouting at me, f’ing this and f’ing that being very defensive, no apology and being very rude. Her partner told me to F Off back inside. I… Read more »
Hi Becky! Oh gosh, I am so very, very sorry about this. Neighbors are very tricky. Definitely going through channels is the best way. Since they responded so badly to the time you tried to talk with them, I wouldn’t recommend it again. Trust your gut and if you are afraid, stay away. I always get clarity by asking myself what I would do if I were in their shoes. If I was having a party and a neighbor said the noise was bothering her, I would keep it down or profusely apologize and tell her we would be done… Read more »
im in a very complicated relationship, he is diagnosed with bipolar disorder so it adds a little bit of problems. I think its me messing up, I have been F*cked over so much in my life its hard to trust, same with him. I promised I wouldnt leave him and i love him, i really do. him and my best friend and went behind my back then started talking. I think im the problem. I need help, i have nowhere to go nor anyone to talk too. I am a teen so i know that will change the way you… Read more »
Hi Savannah! I am so sorry you are going through this! I have to say that I have no expertise at all in dealing with bipolar disorder – if both of you have it, I really, really think you need the help of a pro. Maybe there’s a counselor at school you could talk to? I do know that the minute you start thinking that you and only you are the problem, that’s incorrect. There are two people in any relationship. However, the only one you can control is you. Please, please talk with someone who understands bipolar disorder so… Read more »
Run
Hi Savannah. Seems like the bipolar situation could be more of a problem than you think. Maybe research personality disorders, gaslighting ect. He’s not treating you with love and respect so he’s not holding up his end of the deal. He’s manipulating and being abusive so he doesn’t deserve your promise anyway and you’re not obligated to keep it. You’re allowed to change your mind no matter what! Besides he broke the pact when he stabbed you in the back with your best friend. That’s not nice or love. Start reading everything you can to protect yourself from predators.
I enjoyed this article and I 100% agree that we can’t change someone else’s behavior, we can only change the way we react to it. I have distanced myself from my sister-in-law (whom I used to be close with) because of her persistent need to “one-up” me. Multiple things have happened over the years that I let slide, but things got much worse when we went into the same business and became competitors. The under-handed behavior of her and her husband has caused a lot of friction within the family. They are known for saying “It’s nothing personal, it’s just… Read more »
Hi Heather – thanks so much for taking the time to comment! And I love what your husband said! That is fantastic!! Sounds like you are doing everything right. And hopefully, sooner or later, her clients will realize she’s nuts. Doing great work and refusing to engage with her will win in the end! Hang tough, my friend! And if you need to make a sign with “Don’t let someone else’s crazy bring out your crazy” on it to remind you – do it! It’s great!
Hey so I’ve actually had a mutual friendship with someone to the point (yes opposite sex) as we decided to treat each other like brother and sister but here’s another thing, she recently called me all the things her by is actually, who also has gotten her influenved to do bad things, and to indirectly treat me like shit (mainly cuz he startedpraising me instead of her to try and get her to be pitted against me) it worked and now she hates my guts but she knows who I really am before her dbag bf who “she’s never had… Read more »
Wow. Jason, thanks so much for taking the time to write! I’m wondering just a bit if maybe you love this girl. And if you do, I’m wondering if you can let her go and find someone who loves you the way you love them? It sounds like you two were/are very close, then when she starting dating this guy (even if he is a jerk, it sounds like she’s choosing him), things got bad. There was drama. Here’s what I’d recommend: 1.) Step away. Let whatever is going to happen between the two of them happen. 2.) Do some… Read more »
I am currently dealing with a very complicated situation. My fellas sister gives me a very hard time and enjoys making me feel small and awkward by saying things about my fellas ex girlfriend who they have a child with. Me and her have never had bad words, I would even say we are friends, but I have to keep my mouth shut because I know she’ll enjoy a negative reaction. I feel sick and dread going into work because she’s there! Just trying to remind myself that I can not control her, and she must be very unhappy herself.… Read more »
You do have a complicated situation! And unfortunately because they have a child together, the ex girlfriend will always be in his life. And so will his sister. So as much as it bothers you, unless you want to find a new man or a new job, you’ll have to put up with her. If you have a job where you can wear ear buds, that would be great – you could just drown her out. You might also try making friends with anyone else at work, so you could talk to them and not her. I’m disappointed your boyfriend… Read more »
I googled what to do if you are angry at your best friend and i m so happy this came up because one of my best friends constantly ditches me for other people and when she is with me she complains about those other people and my other best friend is stealing my other friends and when I stop hanging out with them she ditches them so now I rarely see any of my friends and I feel extremely lonely.What should I do?
Oh – I’m so sorry! It sounds like you have fallen in with a bunch of mean girls! First I would stop hanging out with anyone who ditches you. That said – were there any of your friends who were consistently nice and you could count on? If so, you could reach out and tell them what you’ve told me. That you picked the wrong friends to hang out with and you miss her. If you feel there’s no one like that – time to find some new friends! It sounds like you’ve had a lot of friends, so if… Read more »
Firstly, what a wonderful article full of wisdom and insight. Secondly, I am utterly impressed with how professional, dedicated and selfless you are. Your no nonsense, direct and honesty advice is refreshing. Thank you! I am in a musical quartet at school. One of the members, as well as having many wonderful qualities can be very controlling, has very high expectations, can be manipulative, egotistical, defensive, rude and dismissive. She is a very warm and caring human being and has some fabulous qualities but the other behaviours are grating on me. She is very good at getting things done. At… Read more »
Oh my gosh – I am so sorry!! (But first of all – thank you so much for all the kind things you said! You made my night!) I have to say, I’m impressed that you have spoken with her directly – that took courage and was a super mature thing to do! One thing I’ve learned is that actions speak louder than words – and her actions are screaming! She clearly has issues and saying she doesn’t have the money for treatment, yet spending her money elsewhere means – well, she’s not going to get help. So – you’re… Read more »
Lazy co- worker that thinks its ok to just let me do all the work and then gets upset when I say something about it. I have a hard time not getting things done so I work extra hard to do things to get it completed and also stresses me out. I have A boss that doesn’t care who does it as long as the work gets done. I need to print out your information to keep with me when I get upset I do not think about what you have stated when pissed off. Maybe keeping this with me… Read more »
Steve – so sorry about this! It must be really frustrating! Yes! Print it out and then set some boundaries! It sounds to me like you are being taken advantage of. If your co-worker can just be slack and you do his/her work, well – you’re enabling them. As I see it, here are your options: 1.) Stop doing more than your share. If you have to, go to your boss. Say – this is my half of the work, and that’s what I’m going to do today. (Or whatever makes sense. Then just do that.) 2.) Get the heck… Read more »
1v1 them on fortnite
Hello: I am so happy that I found your site. I have been crying for weeks. My grown daughter and I get along well, live together, bought a home together. We travel have a lot of fun. then out of the blue she will say, “Your weird, I hate you, your crazy, shut your fu–king mouth don’t talk to me. I am internalizing the words, and its killing me. I cry for days, stay in bed, feel hopeless, want to die, don’t want to be around anyone ever. Words are like hot coals burned into your brain and they never… Read more »
Hi Linda – I’m so sorry you’re going through this! It sounds like maybe something is going on with her that might have nothing to do with you. A behavior change that abrupt seems strange. However, you need to save yourself! It sounds like you have really gotten depressed – I would recommend you talk to a counselor ASAP. You need someone else in your life besides your daughter right now who can help you get back to you. It will give you a break and will help create some space between you and your daughter which might be a… Read more »
Wow, I just googled “How to let nothing bother you” because my wife does so many things, whether intentionally or not, that leave me feeling worthless, angry, or depressed. I get offended by the smallest slights (Her pulling away when i touch her, not letting me know when she’s on the way home, not calling me like I call her during the day just to say “hi”) – ever little thing builds my angry and resentment more and more. Time to start focusing on myself, and I guess just ignoring her behavior, but it’s just so difficult some times…
Hi Derek! First of all – let me say I’m so sorry! While I do want you to focus on you, first I think you might tell your wife how you feel. She honestly may not realize that those things are important to you. So I’d suggest – first – assume she loves you just as much as you love her. Then pick something easy – like telling her you’d really appreciate it if she’s give you a call when she’s heading home and why (you’d like to hear from her, you’d like to wrap up whatever you’re doing for… Read more »
When I was 18 I had my first boyfriend and we moved together at his parents house . My boyfriends mother is Mexican and she doesn’t know English ,I’m black/Mexican and there was a big communication gap and a lot of awkward moments that lead to a lot of tension in the house , At the time my boyfriend didn’t have a good relationship with his family and it put more tension on everyone , but I tried my best to bring my boyfriend close to his family so we can have peace in the house until we had money… Read more »
Hi Mia! Thanks so much for taking the time to comment! First let me say I’m proud of you two for working hard and moving out. LA is crazy expensive, so that’s no small accomplishment – bravo! As to your question, I’m a big fan of letting things go (so they don’t eat you up) but not forgetting. They don’t get a free pass for treating you poorly, but if you want your boyfriend to be close to his family, you might have to be the bigger person and be as polite to them as you can. While they shouldn’t… Read more »
My long distance boyfriend often ignores my message although he is active online.He will check my status,but always responds me later.Im exact opposite,i cannot wait to talk to or text him.His behaviour hurts me a lot and questions my decision whether i should think of a long term relationship or just end everything and let him go from my life.I think i have allowed him to control me to this extent that my happiness depends on his actions.Though i love him a lot and cannot contemplate my life without him
,what to do?
Long Distance relationships are very, very hard, so I feel for you. I think you have some good insight when you say “I think i have allowed him to control me to this extent that my happiness depends on his actions.” That is definitely a problem – making him responsible for your happiness isn’t fair to either one of you. You are giving up way too much of your power, and your happiness is too great a burden to put on anyone. So first, you need to be happy regardless of what he does or doesn’t do. You need to… Read more »
My stepdad has never shown that he cares for me. And I don’t want to sound bad but he always finds something to get me in trouble for. No matter what I do it’s not good enough. He never rewards me for my effort or for how much I tried but looks at what I didn’t do. He has anger management issues and instead of talking he starts yelling. And this really bothers me. I try so hard to not get upset but it’s really hard not having a father figure. Sorry about making it long I just needed to… Read more »
So sorry you’re going through this! The stepparent/child relationship is a tough one. Ad I don’t know how old you are, but I’m assuming you’re female. Sometimes that can be hard because a step father doesn’t want to seem like he’s being inappropriate in anyway, so he might keep his distance more than you would like. Or he may come from a family where people weren’t affectionate – there are a million reasons for why he is the way he is – most of which don’t have anything to do with you (do don’t feel bad!). He may indeed care… Read more »
I have this woman at my job who always seems to get under my skin at any given time. I tried many things to let her not get to me i.e. ignoring her, talking to my bosses about the problem, etc. but it just doesn’t seem to go anywhere. I remember they had a chat with her and how she was affecting the rest of mine and my coworkers job by her constant complaining and putting blame on me and just overall making a not-so-complicated job, actually complicated. It’s taken a serious toll on me over the course of my… Read more »
Hi A.N.! Thanks so much for taking the time to comment! You are not alone, there are so many people out there with similar stories about co-workers. It’s particularly hard because you spend so much time with them. Have you considered looking for another job? I know it sounds extreme, but unless you adore this one, I bet there are others out there if you’d look. Sometimes someone like this comes along to get us to take a leap to something better. If you want to stay, you have to figure out a way to get her out of your… Read more »
Great article! I am involved in a relationship that is a little, um dysfunctional. I love this man but he’s an alcoholic, a functioning alcoholic, he says. He has been like this for the past 6 years that we’ve been together. Sadly, he promised that he would do better, and after a long bout of succeeding, I married him. Sadly, he quickly reverted to his old self. But the worse part is that he has 4 children, 2 (21 and 20)which suffer from the same addictive personalities. One, not only has an addictive personality, but also is bipolar-depressive and lies… Read more »
Ah, well, I am hating this for you! But a relationship with an addict will always, always be painful unless that person gets help and really wants to change. So, I’m going to tell you what I think is a hard truth – none of these people are going to change. Not one. So you get to decide what you are going to do. You are upset and angry now because you want all the things you deserve that you are not getting from them – love, respect, help with the house and children, etc. I’m telling you what deep… Read more »
So good, thank you.
Love the name!!!! xoxoxox
lately this person has really been bothering me. this person is close with a lot of my friends so i hang around with them a lot. but they seem to not like me and love to make it very known by literally telling me “ your my least favorite in the whole group.” i’ve never done anything to them and i have been really nice but i just don’t know what the problem is. it always bothers me when someone doesn’t like me for no reason. and i have been thinking about this a lot. i don’t know how to… Read more »
Hi Katie! I’m so sorry this is happening and that this person is so rude. Sometimes, unfortunately, people just aren’t going to like us. And that’s okay. First thing is to let go of the idea of trying to get them to like you. Just be yourself – if they don’t like you, that’s really their problem, not yours. It will stop bothering you as soon as you decide to let it go. So what if you’re their least favorite person in the group? I’m guessing they are probably your least favorite person too! Focus on the people who like… Read more »
I met this woman who is in a group of friends that my husband and I met.Its been about 6 months now. This woman, was very quick to start socializing with my husband and really didnt show much interest in getting to know me. I have been working weird hours, so not always able to attend events. She walked up to me and started talking to me about what a joy my husband is, and how she enjoys so much talking to him. I am not normally a jealous person, and just thought she was trying to be nice. Then,… Read more »
Hi Hilary! I sure don’t want to make things worse, and you know the situation far better than I do, but I’m a fan of trusting your gut. I have to say, it would bother me if a woman walked up and planted a kiss on my boyfriend! (I’m assuming this was not on the cheek.) On the cheek, I might let slide, but on the lips? Nope, I would find that unacceptable. I think you need to talk with your husband and tell him this woman’s behavior bothers you. If he respects and loves you, he’ll stop attending events… Read more »
Hello! My name is Mac and I have a dilemma. I have a sister in law who is married to my husband’s brother. We have never really gotten along but recently I got married and she never even congratulated me at my wedding or anything. Also, I find out a couple days later from my husband’s younger sister she made my husband’s brother ask if she was still the favorite daughter in law. Now I honestly have never tried to “compete” to be the “better” daughter and law and frankly I could care less where I stand with my Husband’s… Read more »
Hi Mac! Holy smokes! First of all, let me tell you how sorry I am that you’re going through this. But here’s the best piece of advice I can give you – let it go. Focus on your relationship with your new hubby. Be nice to her, but expect nothing. Sounds like she’s jealous of you and that, my friend, is her issue to deal with, not yours. If I were you, I might stop trying so hard. Be polite, but focus on the rest of the family. Talk to the family members you enjoy. By focusing on her –… Read more »
I love this response. Funny thing that I do is read what people wrote and before I read your response, I think of how I would respond to that person. And this is EXACTLY how I would respond! I hope you are feeling better, Mac.
Thanks, Marthann!!!
This is such a nice article! It made me feel better. Thank you for writing it. I am going to try to read it as often as possible.
Thanks, Loretta!
I have this problem with my sister. I actually think it’s my entire family. She has the most uncontrollable anger issues of any person I’ve met. My entire family and now my boyfriend and I totally have to walk on eggshells around her because we know what sort of monster she can turn into. When she’s upset with you she will say the nastiest things and she doesn’t even care that she’s saying these things to her sister, her mom or her dad. And now that I live with her and my boyfriend alone I get all of her aggression… Read more »
I’m so sorry, Cassidy! I’m not a therapist, but your sister might have Borderline Personality Disorder or be bipolar. You should Google them and see what you think. However, if she’s not willing to consider this or get help, you are not obligated to take her abuse. I sure would work on not living with her if she causes you this much pain. I’m a big believer that we teach people how to treat us. If your sister treats all of you this way, and you put up with it and keep hanging out with her, you’re teaching her that… Read more »
When I was 52years of age one of my family member took it upon herself while I was in the Streets to get my ssi and social security at that time and I didn’t know what she did to also have her go behind my back and went to one of my Doctor at that time and they made her my guardian. How they breached my privacy and did this all behind my back. I got her off right away of guardianship .But until Now I Like To Know how in the world she did this and if I can… Read more »
Hi Dorita! I have no idea about this one. But I do know lawyers are expensive and if you are free of her, it might be best to let it go. Good luck – but be very careful no one takes advantage of you. If you do consult a lawyer, take someone with you that you trust to advise you. And make sure the initial consultation is free. Good luck!
I am living with my aged mother who is very miserable daily and in need of help with shopping tidying laundry etc all of which I don’t mind except the misery does drag me down because it’s a daily thing, she forget it upsets me to listen to her like that but it never stops, i am trying meditation and sometimes that helps but am sure not a master of that…yet anyway(she has been to docs and the only thing they give her is high blood pressure tablets which we are both on…..)
Hi Ann! I am so sorry! Meditation is a great idea. Maybe you can also tell your Mom you love her, but if she keeps being really negative, you’re going to another room. And then take a break. She probably doesn’t even realize how negative she is being. You might also see if there is anyway you could get a longer break – have a relative come by and stay with her for a bit – anything. And try to concentrate on what positive things you could bring into the home to offset her negativity. Maybe there’s a fun TV… Read more »
Yes am off for a week to Spain and my brother will be looking in on her, thanks for responding, love
Yahoo!!!!!! So proud of you!! Enjoy your well-deserved trip!
I live next door to a nuisance renter he makes me sick! he won’t clean his yard and tries to destroy my home by letting shrubbery grow into my fence, he has brought rodents to the neighborhood and he doesn’t work and refuses to do any maintenance to stop my complaints! he says its not his house. I am constantly sweeping leaves off my porch from his gutterless house and run off stopping up my back drain! I have PTSD and my happy days are always stopped by some trash in front of my yard…or something. Everyone says I should… Read more »
Oh Iggy – this is terrible! Have you ever watched Fear Thy Neighbor on the ID Channel? You should watch it just to know you are far from alone. Here’s what I know – that guy isn’t going to change unless the landlord makes him. So if you want to contact anyone, it would be the landlord. But, my guess is, the landlord doesn’t really care. He/she just wants the rent and unless their property is being damaged, you’ll get no joy. So, my dear, your options are 1) keep trying to control this guy (not working and hurting your… Read more »
So I was in class and I was doing my work minding my own business and one of my friends comes over, spits her CHEWED starburst out and puts it inside my laptop and closes it. I was so mad so I grabbed her phone to get her to clean my laptop, but she grabs my planner and threatens to rip it! So later I went and cleaned my laptop but it starts acting up and DELETES.ALL.MY.WORK!!!! When I cleaned up her disgusting starburst I put it on her desk and she throws it somewhere and at the end of… Read more »
I’m pretty speechless over this one. Not sure why you still refer to this person as a friend! I’m hoping she apologized, and if not, I’m hoping you have nothing more to do with her. Or better yet, go all Zen and refuse to get drawn in. Stay calm, undo whatever she’s done, toss it in the trash (refuse to get sucked into payback), and walk away. Your refusal to let her push your buttons (both literally and figuratively) will rule the day. Good luck!!
one colleague is really impacting me..i am afraid what she will think of me .what she will say about me. even though it was said by team she should work in particular task by team im afraid she will think i only said team to say her to do that work. im afraid she will blame for all these things.even though im not related to it my manager .even though he is pointing to whole team.it feels like he is pointing me and scolding me.most of the time, especially if they pointout that colleague it really frustrates me .. because… Read more »
Hi Happy! Thanks so much for commenting! It can be hard to give advice without knowing the situation, but my first idea might be to stop worrying about what she thinks of you. If you are working hard and are polite to her, what she thinks doesn’t matter – you are doing your best. Also – who knows what anyone else is thinking? Sometimes we think people think badly of us and they are not thinking of us at all! If the manager is talking to the whole team, try not to take it personally (this is one reason I… Read more »
Omg I need this , since mid July me my man an his mother’s world has been revolving around 1 person my mans younger sister we all live in a house together her 2 small children live here as well everything was great we all just moved into this nice new house it so much better than were we just came from an every thing going great an then in July my man sister got wit this guy who is trouble he has bad back round been arrested for tons stuff like robbery, Burglery, theft, credit card fraud, malicious destruction… Read more »
Wow! Well, you probably need more professional advice than what I can offer, but here goes. Sounds like whoever owns that house needs to give your man’s sister an ultimatum – get clean or get out. If the sister owns the house (or part of the house), then that complicates things. You all would also have to think of a plan for the children – either continuing to care for them or contacting social services, but they need to be protected from the drug use. If Mom owns the house and doesn’t want to give sis an ultimatum, then you… Read more »
I needed to hear this. My boyfriend of 5 years always says he’ll be home right after work only to call me 30 min to an hour later and be at his friends. I know he’s there, I know he’s not cheating or anything like that, but he’ll say things like “I can’t wait to get home” or “I’m only stopping by Erics for a minute I don’t even feel like hanging out” and then he’s home 3 hours later barley responding to my texts and I’m so upset and frustrated because all I’m doing for some reason is waiting… Read more »
Hi Megan! Thanks so much for taking the time to comment! And I’m so glad you’re trying to step away and be clear about what’s going on. One thing that always helps me is to turn things around. Would I do this to 1) someone I love or 2) to a good friend? I don’t know about you, but I wouldn’t tell a friend I was coming right over and then go someplace else for several hours. And I bet you wouldn’t either. And he’s doing this to someone he loves! I think if he tells you he’s coming right… Read more »
Hello Megan I think after work you go to a zumba class or yoga these classes have a great sisterhood to them and great for networking! next thing you know you will be out to dinner with friends or going to Walmart with a zumba sister or going out for drinks. I think you want maybe relying on his company when he comes home and he is afraid to come out and say he is stopping past a friend’s house so he plays that stupid game each time! and you could say NO bring your ass home lol.
Hello- My sister is toxic and I can say this without guilt or sadness.Twenty years of manipulation, lies and zero empathy for anyone in her life(kids included). The last straw happened yesterday and I have been looking for words to let the pain go. She moved in with my older, ill mother and now my mothers lashed out at me. She’s even changed her will and put my law breaking sister in charge. I can let that go and I can let her go, but my mom.That hurts. That’s tough. And so i hold onto pain(which turns to anger) and… Read more »
Oh Lynn – I am so sorry!! This is a tough one. Guess it depends on how hard you want to fight to try to have a relationship with your Mom and what you want that relationship to be. Is it possible that your Mom may figure out the deal soon? Leopards don’t change their spots, so I would guess your sister will reveal her true self to your Mom. So maybe you back off a bit, visit as long as it doesn’t cause you too much anger and pain and wait for your toxic sister to drive your Mom… Read more »
I agree and appreciate your comments. Thank you.
I am a planner but I am also someone who will let another person decide on something if they like. My opinion is not really important as long as peace is kept I am happy.
You are a good woman, Joanne!!!
Lately people know exactally what gets on a person’s nerves. People that would usually let it go have people forcing them to tell them how they feel. I feel angry not because of what happened but because I let it go and someone else has to keep pushing something that probably does irriatate me a little.
If it didn’t, you wouldn’t be human! Some people are drawn to drama like moths to a flame. Sounds like you’re doing a good job of dealing with them – kudos to you!!
Okay – here’s one for you. I just got put on notice at work because of complaints against me. I am horrified! I thought things were going so well. I’ve hear nothing but good (except for the one issue at camp this summer). And now this. So, one of the issues, I’ve been told, is my tone. Now, I know that when working with kids, when I give them instructions, I want them to listen and not have to repeat myself. Never works – so then I lose my temper (get short with them) when I have to repeat myself… Read more »
Oh Ellen! I’m so sorry! I can tell you care deeply about your job – some people when told such things, just get mad – you want to figure out what the heck is going on! It’s so hard from me to advise you not knowing more about the situation, but I’ll tell you what I do. When people aren’t listening to me (maybe during a training), I know I have to do something more interesting to get them to pay attention. Telling people to listen never works, making what you’re saying so compelling, funny, useful that they want to… Read more »
I was mentally and physically abused (not sexually), I call myself the black goat. Luckly God always placed a surrogate family in my life, looking back that saved me. I have gone to therapists most of my life, which also vindicated me. Fast forward to 65. My son is in a band, I called up the venue to ask if they were playing indoors or out one afternoon…big deal…as it is cold. It was only going to be the two guitarists. I was told they could do either. I called the head of the band to ask him, and said… Read more »
Wow! You have a lot going on! Sounds like you realize the only person you can control is you. Hope the hypnosis helps you let go of things and not let them bother you. Best wishes for you and your son!
I have a problem with neighbors, and how they treat us. They were all once good to us, but that is not case, and you wonder how people get to be this way. People all they think of is themselves, and will do anything and everything to get there way. This problem is now going on 5 years. There is no joy in life, and I’m trying to focus on getting a better job due to financial reasons, and the boss also is just for himself. It is very hard to stay positive and when you wake up to remind… Read more »
Ah – that is a tough one! There’s a whole show about that on the ID channel – Fear Thy Neighbor! Al least know you’re not alone. Don’t expect them to change (after 5 years they are the way they are) and keep trying to find a job that works for you. Hopefully you’ll find a job you like and either you can move or maybe your neighbors will. Life is too short to live right next to such stress. Sounds like you’re focusing on what you can control which is great! My heart goes out to you!!
I’ve never left a reply on an article before because I have never been moved enough to do so. This article puts things so bluntly simple and in plain sight. I’ve ignored behavior of someone who really upsets me because of fear for loosing them, but that as only led them to continue the behavior. It all starts with me, I accepted this behavior and in doing so have caused myself a great deal of unnecessary pain. It’s either settle for less then I deserve or be brave enough to continue on- not to settle. Thank you
Thank you so very much for the comment! I truly write these to give myself clarity, so I’m so glad it helped you too! Other people can be the source of our greatest joy and out deepest pain. Let that person go and let someone awesome in! They are out there. Thanks for commenting!
Hi Dennis, Thank you so much for this newsletter. I was really in a very bad mood as one of my colleague was literally dragging me in awkward situations. I have been patient not to react to him in any way. He somehow or other just try to find out some mistakes which I have not even done. I try to ignore his approach and let myself bother me. As for last day he was telling me my roommate was upset with my behavior for helping her out…(actually the room mate he was mentioning is like a dear friend who… Read more »
Swapna – ugh! Good luck with this person! Hard to tell if he means to upset you or if he is just very different from you. Sounds like you’re doing the right things – focusing on the other people, trying not to let him get to you. Keep being you and I’m sure it will work out. Sounds like you are more aware of how other people may feel than he is – and that will serve you well. Hang in there!!